Tag: Lists

Amusing

You Might Be a Liberal If…

You might be a Liberal if:

You think IQ tests should be used to stop the death penalty, but not to determine admission to AP classes.

You think the Ten Commandments in schools will hurt the children, but “Heather Has Two Mommies” won’t.

You think African-American, Gay-Lesbian-Transgendered and Women’s Studies prepare young people for good careers, but a biology major is an outdated relic of white, misogynist domination.

You think math tests are racist, but there is nothing racist about blacks being admitted over more qualified white applicants.

You think spending 4 years – make that 5 years – repeating your professor’s liberal slogans is a solid education, but demanding that colleges present all view-points and actually teach the subject is “anti-intellectualism.”

You think McCarthyism was wrong, but black-listing “right-wingers” from ever teaching in college is just plain old common sense. A right-winger is anyone who doesn’t toe the line on all issues.

You think education is about “feeling,” not knowing. Logic is the product of white male supremacy in our culture.

You vehemently hate some people not because of who they are or what they say, but because of their political beliefs.

You think meat is bad for you. So is milk. But marijuana gets you ready for your finals.

You think AIDS is caused by poverty. So is crime. And membership in the Republican party.

You march to raise awareness about breast cancer, but believe it’s caused by sexism and infant mortality is caused by racism.

You want to outlaw cigarettes and legalize marijuana.

You think that mobs of black people attacking, assaulting, and killing white people aren’t committing racist hate crimes, because only white people are racist.

You think global cooling for 10 years proves that there is global warming.

You fly on private jets, but feel free to tell others to use only one square of toilet paper to save the environment.

You think that using less toilet paper will be good for the air.

You think the best way to care about a disease is to wear a ribbon. You also think you must prevent pharmaceutical companies from making a profit.

You think people should be allowed to euthanize themselves, but not to eat in McDonald’s.

You think career welfare recipients are fat because they can’t afford food.

You preach to everyone that diversity is our greatest strength, but you paid half a million dollars more for a house in an all-white suburb than you could’ve for the same house in a black neighborhood.

You see racist code-words in all media except in hip-hop singles such as “Kill The White People”.

You wonder out loud, “Why can’t we all just get along?”

You oppose all racial prejudice, but think all whites are racist, consciously or not.

You think IQ tests are completely invalid and there are no differences between people, except when an anonymous blogger posts that all the Red States have a borderline retarded IQ and all the Blue states are made up exclusively of intellectually gifted people. Then you feel the need to send the blog post to everyone you know as conclusive proof that voting for Democrats makes you smart.

You greet a black person with, “Yo Bro!”

You think Indians created the United States and Europe became great as a result of Islamic influences. On second thought, Europe isn’t great.

You can’t believe you were so racist as to say that there’s something great about Europe except their Social Democrat parties.

You think Black dominance in basketball is progress, but white dominance in swimming is an outrage.

You think illegal Mexicans are real Americans, and that the descendants of our Founding Fathers aren’t.

You think racial profiling is wrong, and that all serial killers are white and all Mexicans are hard-working family men.

You think the U.S. wants to build a wall on the Mexican and not Canadian border because of racism, not because 20 million Mexicans and almost no Canadians cross into the U.S. illegally.

You think there is no correlation between Islamic immigration to Europe and increased anti-Semitic attacks against European Jews.

You think prostitution empowers women, but having a man open the door for you is degrading.

You get out of bed, look at your naked body and at your wife’s, and then think: “gender is a social construct that has no basis in science”.

On second thought, you got married in Vermont and your wife’s name is Thomas.

Amusing

Only In Obama’s America

Only in Obama’s new America can:

1. Politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000 a plate campaign fund raising event.

2. People claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when we have a black President, a black Attorney General, and roughly 18% of the federal workforce is black and only 12% of the population is black.

3. Could we have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner, the head of the Treasury Department and Charles Rangel who once ran the Ways and Means Committee, BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.

4. We have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.

5. We make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege while we discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just become American citizens.

6. The people who believe in balancing the federal budget and sticking by the country’s Constitution be thought of as “extremists.”

7. You vote without any Identification, but need an ID to cash a check, buy alcohol or cigarettes, gain access to government buildings etc.

8. Politicians demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. oil company (Marathon Oil) is less than half of a company making tennis shoes (Nike).

9. Could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, and still spend over a trillion dollars more than it took in every year since a President has been in office and still have the nerve to complain that the government still doesn’t have enough money.

10. The rich people who pay 86% of all income taxes be accused of not paying their “fair share” by people who don’t pay any income taxes at all.

11. The President whose party constantly champions the separation of church and state, and therefore protests against such things as manger scenes in public, only in that America could that president then sign a law forcing churches to pay for things which are totally against their teachings, such as birth control.

12. A President whose core constituency used the phrase “Keep the government out of my uterus” in the pro-choice debate now sign a law that forces tax payers to pay for the government to implant birth control devices in those same uterus’.

13. We have a government that purposefully kills job creating enterprises such as the Keystone pipeline, then demagogues the issue by calling on those from the other party to “play fair” and extend unemployment benefits beyond 99 weeks.

14. We have politicians claim that extending unemployment benefits, stimulate job creation.

15. The President bemoan the fact that he too is wealthy and that his taxes should be raised and yet he takes every deduction he possibly can on his tax return.

Source…

Amusing

There Oughta be a Law

  1. Treiman’s Theorem: Impossible things don’t usually happen.
  2. O’Reilly’s law of the kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
  3. Lieberman’s law: Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
  4. Denniston’s law: Virtue is its own punishment.
  5. Gold’s law: If the shoe fits, its ugly.
  6. Conway’s law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired.
  7. Finster’s law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  8. Lynch’s law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
  9. Muir’s law: When we try to separate anything out by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
  10. Glyme’s formula for success: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
  11. Mason’s first law of synergism: The one day you’d sell your birthright for something, birthrights are a glut.
  12. Hanlon’s razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
  13. Handy guide to modern science: If it’s green or wriggles, it’s biology. If it stinks, it’s chemistry. If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.
  14. Green’s law of debate: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about.
  15. Stewart’s law of retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  16. First rule of history: History doesn’t repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
  17. Oliver’s law of location: No matter where you go, there you are.
  18. Harrison’s postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  19. Lerman’s Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.

    Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

  20. Murphy’s First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
  21. Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.

    Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

  22. Kauffman’s Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
  23. The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no positive effect on your take-home pay.
  24. Miller’s Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
  25. First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you’ll want to be doing something else.
  26. Weiner’s Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
  27. Isaac’s Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
  28. Kenny’s Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
  29. Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person’s name, you will pick the wrong one.

    Corollary – If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.

  30. The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
  31. Yeager’s Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.

    Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber’s day off.

  32. Lampner’s Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
  33. Quile’s Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
  34. Loftus’ Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don’t know who wrote the book or even which book it is.
  35. Lovka’s Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.
  36. Hellrung’s Law: If you wait, it will go away.
  37. Coles’S Law: Thinly sliced cabbage

Amusing

You Might Be A Redneck If

  • You take your dog for a walk, and you both use the same tree.
  • You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
  • Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
  • Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  • You burn your yard rather than mow it.
  • You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
  • The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
  • Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
  • You offer to give someone the shirt off your back, and they don’t want it.
  • You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
  • You come back from the dump with more than you took.
  • You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  • Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  • Your grandmother has “Ammo” on her Christmas list.
  • You’ve been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  • You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
  • You’ve bathed with flea and tick soap.
  • You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
  • Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
  • You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
  • You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
  • You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
  • You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
  • You have a rag for a gas cap.
  • Your father executes the “Pull my finger” trick during Christmas dinner.
  • Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  • You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
  • You can spit without opening your mouth.
  • You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
  • Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  • You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
  • Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
  • You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
  • You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
  • You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
  • Your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop always brings you home.
  • A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
  • You’ve used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
  • You’ve asked the preacher, “How’s it hangin’?”
  • You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
  • Somebody tells you that you’ve got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
  • You’ve spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
  • You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
  • When someone asks to see your I.D. you show your belt buckle.
  • Your Junior and Senior Proms had a day care.
  • Your mother doesn’t remove the Marlboro Light from her lips before telling the Cops to kiss her a**.
  • You’ve used lard in bed.
  • The primary color of your car is “Bondo.”
  • The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road.”
  • Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
  • Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
  • You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
  • You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
  • Jack Daniel makes your list of “most admired Americans.”
  • Your wife’s hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  • You see no need for a rest stop because there’s an empty milk jug in the car.
  • Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
  • You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side front window of your car.
  • You barbecue Spam.
  • Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
  • Red Man Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
  • You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you were at work.
  • Your dad walks you to school because you’re both in the same grade.
  • Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  • You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
  • You prominently display the souvenir you got at Graceland.
  • When your front porch collapses, three or more dogs die.
  • You’ve signed a petition to change the national anthem to “Nothing Could Be Finer Than to Be in Carolina.”
  • You call the boss “Dude.”
  • You think “Volvo” is part of a woman’s anatomy.
  • You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
  • You’ve been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
  • Your father encouraged you to quit school because Larry had an opening on the lube rack.
  • You need an estimate from the barber before you get a haircut.
  • After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
  • You pass out Styrofoam cups at your wedding reception for people to spit in.

Load More