Laws For Life

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Nov 142012
 

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Bio-mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s really ugly.

Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, or change it for the worse.

Temperatures and What They Mean

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Aug 062012
 
  • 60 degrees – Californians put their sweaters on.
  • 50 degrees – Miami residents turn on the heat.
  • 45 degrees – Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
  • 40 degrees – You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.
  • 35 degrees – Italians cars don’t start.
  • 32 degrees – Water freezes.
  • 30 degrees – You plan your vacation in Australia.
  • 25 degrees – Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming.
  • 20 degrees – Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south.
  • 15 degrees – French cars don’t start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
  • 10 degrees – You need jumper cables to get the car going.
  • 5 degrees – American cars don’t start.
  • 0 degrees – Alaskans put on T-shirts.
  • -10 degrees – German cars don’t start, eyes freeze shut when you step outside.
  • -15 degrees – You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist.
  • -20 degrees – Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don’t start.
  • -25 degrees – Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going.
  • -30 degrees – You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don’t start.
  • -40 degrees – Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweater, your car helps you plan your trip South.
  • -50 degrees – Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window.
  • -80 degrees – Polar bears move South, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game.
  • -90 degrees – Politicians put their hands in their own pockets.
  • -100 degrees – Hell freezes over, Obama finally tells the truth.

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