Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

So God agreed……

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

And God agreed……

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed again……

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service.

Rush Limbaugh’s 35 Undeniable Truths of Life

Rush Limbaugh has shown remarkable consistency over the years. Unlike the mainstream media, he has not wavered from his principles, nor has he sold out conservatism to get a Republican elected. Regardless of the odds, he keeps making his case every day to the American people.

His list of the 35 Undeniable Truths of Life should be a battle cry for all true Conservatives!

1. There is a distinct singular American culture – rugged individualism
and self-reliance – which made America great.
2. The vast majority of the rich in this country did not inherit their
wealth; they earned it. They are the country’s achievers, producers,
and job creators.
3. No nation has ever taxed itself into prosperity.
4. Evidence refutes liberalism.
5. There is no such thing as a New Democrat.
6. The Earth’s eco-system is not fragile.
7. Character matters; leadership descends from character.
8. The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after you
cut it down.
9. Ronald Reagan was the greatest president of the twentieth century.
10. The 1980s was not a decade of greed but a decade of prosperity; it was
the longest period of peacetime growth in American history.
11. Abstinence prevents sexually transmitted disease and pregnancy -every
time it’s tried.
12. Condoms only work during the school year.
13. Poverty is not the root (“rut”) cause of crime.
14. There’s a simple way to solve the crime problem: obey the law; punish
those who do not.
15. If you commit a crime, you are guilty.
16. Women should not be allowed on juries where the accused is a stud.
17. The way to improve our schools is not more money, but the
reintroduction of moral and spiritual values, as well as the four
“R’s”: reading, ‘riting, ‘rithmatic, and Rush.
18. I am not arrogant.
19. My first 35 Undeniable Truths are still undeniably true.
20. There is a God.
21. There is something wrong when critics say the problem with America is
too much religion.
22. Morality is not defined by individual choice.
23. The only way liberals win national elections is by pretending they’re
not liberals.
24. Feminism was established as to allow unattractive women easier access
to the mainstream of society.
25. Follow the money. When somebody says, “It’s not the money,” it’s
always the money.
26. Liberals attempt through judicial activism what they cannot win at the
ballot box.
27. Using federal dollars as a measure, our cities have not been
neglected, but poisoned with welfare dependency funds.
28. Progress is not striving for economic justice or fairness, but
economic growth.
29. Liberals measure compassion by how many people are given welfare.
Conservatives measure compassion by how many people no longer need it.
30. Compassion is no substitute for justice.
31. The culture war is between the winners and those who think they’re
losers who want to become winners. The losers think the only way they
can become winners is by banding together all the losers and then
empowering a leader of the losers to make things right for them.
32. The Los Angeles riots were not caused by the Rodney King verdict. The
Los Angeles riots were caused by rioters.
33. You could afford your house without your government – if it weren’t
for your government.
34. Words mean things.
35. Too many Americans can’t laugh at themselves anymore.

Random Thoughts About Life in General

1. Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

2. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

3. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

4. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

5. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

6. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

7. Was learning to write in cursive really necessary?

8. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

9. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

10. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.. Stay strong, brothers & sisters!

11. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

12. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

13. Bad decisions make good stories.

14. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

15. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

16. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? D@mnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

17. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

18. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

19. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

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