Laws For Life

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Bio-mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s really ugly.

Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, or change it for the worse.

An Interview With God

An interview with God..

Man: What surprises you most about human kind?

God: That they get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again. That they lose their health to make money, and then lose their money to restore their health. That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live in neither the present, nor the future.

They live as if they will never die and die as though they had never lived.

The Speed of Time by Age

0-9: Extremely slow. Even a trip to the store with Mom seems like going to Albania – by covered wagon. Most common phrase: “Is it
Christmas yet?”

10-19: Still slow. Scientific evidence seems to show that school clocks actually move backwards just before the bell rings.

20-29: Alternately fast and slow. Weekends seem shorter and shorter, yet paychecks seem further and further apart.

30-39: Time achieves warp speed, except when put on hold on the telephone and forced to endure anything longer than 5 seconds of Muzak. Most common phrase: “Is it Christmas already?”

40-49: Still fast. Seems like just yesterday when Jerry Brown said he might run for President. Wait a minute! It WAS yesterday when he said that. Also, Dick Clark still looks the same. Could time be slowing down?

60-69: Hey! What happened to 50-59?

70 +: Unbelievably fast. Wars used to last years. Now it seems like they’re over in a couple weeks.

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