Life: A sexually transmitted disease with 100% fatality rate. |
John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the US Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930s. He was an investigator during the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals, and stayed in Germany for many years, organizing civilian police forces in the post-war era. He also wrote numerous books on criminal justice. He retired from military service in the late 1950s at the rank of full colonel.
Returning to Fresno, California, he began teaching criminology at what was then Fresno State College (later to become the California State University, Fresno). His work was well respected, but after about ten years of service, he was called to see the president of the college. He was informed that he could no longer teach with just a bachelor’s degree. Times were changing, he was told, and the school demanded that faculty members hold a graduate degree. Merely having 20 years of distinguished experience was no longer considered sufficient qualification to teach. All new faculty were being required to hold a doctorate, it was explained, and the school was actually doing him a favor by letting him keep his job by getting ‘only’ a master’s degree. So John enrolled in a summer program at an out-of-state college. Three months of intensive seminars and then nine months of home study would get him his MA.
On the first day of class, the instructor was taking roll. He stopped when he read John’s name.
“Are you related to the John Kallam who wrote the textbook we’ll be using?” he asked.
“I am the John Kallam who wrote the textbook you’re using,” came the dry response.
Drinking
17 – beer
25 – imported beer
35 – vodka
48 – scotch
66 – Maalox
Seduction Line
17 – My parents are away for the weekend.
25 – My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 – My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 – My wife is away for the weekend.
66 – My second wife is dead.
Favorite Sport
17 – sex
25 – sex
35 – sex
48 – sex
66 – napping
Drug
17 – pot
25 – coke
35 – money
48 – power
66 – Viagra
Definition of a Successful Date
17 – “tongue”
25 – “breakfast”
35 – “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48 – “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66 – “Got home alive.”
Favorite Fantasy
17 – getting to third
25 – airplane sex
35 – menage a trois
48 – taking the company public
66 – Swiss maid
House Pet
17 – roaches
25 – stoned-out college roommate
35 – black lab
48 – children from his first marriage
66 – dust bunnies
What’s the Ideal Age to Get Married?
17 – 25
25 – 35
35 – 48
48 – 66
66 – 17
Ideal Date
17 – Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 – “Split the check before we go back to my place.”
35 – “Just come over.”
48 – “Just come over and cook.”
66 – “Come over and watch Star Trek re-runs.”