My Goals

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Jan 302026
 

1.  Going to bed early. 2.  Not leaving my house. 3.  Not going to a party.  My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.



1. Going to bed early.
2. Not leaving my house.
3. Not going to a party.

My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.

Predicting the Weather

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Jan 022026
 

One minute you're young and fun, the next you're predicting the weather with your bad knee.



One minute you’re young and fun, the next you’re predicting the weather with your bad knee.

Chronicles of the Office Time-Traveler

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Feb 192024
 

Embark on a hilarious journey with the office time-traveler, blending workplace antics and historical escapades. Will his time-hopping antics unravel? Find out now!

Here I am, stuck in the daily grind, pushing papers like a champ. But guess what? I’ve got a secret superpower: or so I thought. You see, I believed I could time travel. I’d be sitting at my desk, pretending to be the model employee, and then, bam! I’d decide to chill with the dinosaurs. Close my eyes, wish real hard, and bam! Suddenly, I’m surrounded by oversized reptiles. It’s a Jurassic party, and I’m the uninvited guest.

The best part? No one at the office even notices. I’m like the Houdini of the corporate world. I’m gone, exploring the wonders of history, and back before anyone realizes I’ve disappeared. It’s like I never left. My boss probably thinks I’m the most dedicated employee ever, little does he know I’m actually a time-traveling ninja.

One day, feeling adventurous, I decide to visit ancient Rome. Strolling around the Colosseum, high-fiving gladiators and dodging stray lions. But then, the unthinkable happens—I get stuck. Something goes wonky with my time-traveling watch, and I’m stranded in togas and sandals.

Panicking? You betcha. I’m stuck in ancient Rome, and my boss probably thinks I’m just taking an extra-long bathroom break. I can already hear the HR department preparing my pink slip.

Days turn into weeks, and weeks into months. I try everything to fix my time-traveling gadget, but it’s as uncooperative as a cat in a bathtub. I’ve become a permanent feature in a history that isn’t mine.

Meanwhile, back at the office, my coworkers are carrying on as usual. They probably figured I finally snapped from the monotony and decided to take an extended vacation. Little do they know, I’m stuck with a bunch of Romans who don’t speak English, and chariot Uber hasn’t been invented yet.

I’ve become a historical hermit, the guy who never made it back to the present. It’s a lonely existence, but hey, at least I can brag about being the only person who got fired for time traveling.

One day, I wake up to find myself back at my desk. Confused and disoriented, I look around, realizing that I’m not in ancient Rome. My coworkers give me puzzled looks, wondering why I’m staring at my computer screen like I’ve seen a ghost.

Then it hits me—my time-traveling adventures were nothing but dreams. I wasn’t exploring history; I was falling asleep at my desk. The narcolepsy that I never knew I had decided to make an appearance, turning my workdays into a bizarre mix of reality and dreams.

So, the next time you think your job is a drag, just remember: at least you’re not confusing reality with ancient Rome because of an undiagnosed sleep disorder.



The Older I Get

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Jan 262024
 

The older I get, the more this comes true! When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

The older I get, the more this comes true!

  • When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
  • To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
  • Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
  • It’s the start of a brand-new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
  • The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
  • When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
  • I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
  • I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
  • Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
  • If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
  • When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
  • I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
  • I run like the winded.
  • I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
  • When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
  • When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
  • I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
  • When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
  • Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
  • Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
  • My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.