If you’re not sure to route for in the Sunday’s Super Bowl between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants, this news might just help you make up your mind.
Bundchen: ‘If the Pats Lose, I’ll Run Naked Through Mid-Town Manhattan’
Winning isn’t everything, particularly if losing means you get to glimpse Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen striding naked down the Great White Way. A trip to the Super Bowl has suddenly presented the Patriots with an unexpected dilemma: a choice between a perfect record and beholding the perfect body, unclad and in motion.
In the aftermath of their 21-12 victory over the San Diego Chargers, Tom Brady’s celebrated girlfriend startled onlookers by promising to run naked down Broadway in the unlikely event the Patriots lose to the Arizona-bound N.Y. Giants — unlikely until the very moment she parted her full lips and made the surprise announcement.
“Never in a million years did I think I’d have a problem motivating a team heading into the Super Bowl,” said Patriots coach Bill Belichick. “Gisele opens her big mouth and look at ’em — half the guys are staring into space, the others are leering like they’ve just stumbled onto their uncle’s private porn stash. And who can blame them — that’s one fine specimen. But this is a completely new wrinkle … though wrinkle is probably the wrong word, as I’ve seen Gisele in a thong, and trust me, that butt’s tighter than a fine-tuned snare drum.”
Most of the players interviewed refuse to let the indelible image of Gisele Bundchen gamboling gazelle-like though the streets — if a gazelle were 5-11 with perfect breasts and generated enough heat to thaw 30 square miles of permafrost — to become a distraction.
“To be perfectly honest, she’s been a distraction the moment we saw pics of her on the beach with T.B. in the offseason,” said linebacker Mike Vrabel. “Those legs, that butt, those lips. Thankfully we’ve got football to release the sexual tension. Bringing an erection onto the field is never a good idea, particularly for a linebacker who relies on lateral pursuit to be effective.”
When she learned of the players’ reaction to her provocative remark, Bundchen immediately tried walking it back.
“It was a mistake and I’m sorry I said it. I don’t know what I could have been thinking — Midtown Manhattan is a parking lot any time of day or night. It’d take 30 minutes just to make it from the Theater District to 34th Street. And what if I ran into the Naked Cowboy and had to pose for pictures with every out-of-town Tom, Dick and Harry? Tack on another 30 minutes, easily. How ’bout I simply flashed my breasts from a billboard in Times Square and call it a day … will that work?”
Not for Tedy Bruschi it won’t.
“To me, a perfect season is winning the Superbowl AND getting to see Gisele naked. So no matter how you slice it, a perfect season is no longer possible. We win, we have to live with the thought of Gisele’s legs wrapped around Tom’s neck, rolling around on some beach somewhere. And if we lose, everything we’ve accomplished is out the window. I wonder if Gisele has a sister*. What’s the temperature in Rio this time of year?”
Giants coach Tom Coughlin suspects there’s more to Bundchen’s announcement than meets the eye and detects a whiff of classic Belichick gamesmanship.
“Belichick is behind this, I can smell it. He wants us going into the game thinking his team is distracted and conflicted. First off, I’m not going to have the girlfriend of an opposing quarterback run naked on our home turf. Second, if Bill wants to play that game, fine. If the Patriots win, our offensive line will run buck naked through the streets of Foxborough. That’s over 1,000 pounds of highly repulsive man-meat. Your move, Belichick.”
Rich Peltz, a Giants fan from Weehauken, N.J., captured the sentiment shared by football fans around the country who’ve been waiting and hoping for the insufferably smug Patriots to stumble.
“I haven’t been to a Broadway show in over 20 years. But Gisele Bundchen naked, with Tom Brady watching helplessly on the sidelines, now that’s one show I’d pay Broadway prices to see.”
* Gisele has five sisters, one for each of the Patriots’ starting linebacker corps, with two to divide up among the team’s secondary: Raquel, Graziela, Gabriela, Rafaela and her fraternal twin Patrícia.
