This is the way the world ends: Not with a bang, not with a whimper, but with a Peep. The Pennsylvania-based Just Born company has been producing this Easter basket staple for more than 60 years. They currently churn out 2 billion Peeps annually. That’s about six Peeps for every American—more than enough to trigger a bout of corn syrup-induced narcolepsy.
These irresistible marshmallow candies traditionally resemble chicks and bunnies. Once upon a time, they came in just one flavor: sugar. But in recent years, the Peeps product line has multiplied like (squishy, tooth-achingly sweet) rabbits. Now you can choose from tempting varieties like Sour Watermelon, Fruit Punch, Blue Raspberry, Cotton Candy, Bubble Gum, Party Cake—not Birthday Cake, never Birthday Cake, how dare you—Sweet Lemonade, dark chocolate-dipped Blueberry Delight, and ganache-filled Triple Chocolate. (This to say nothing of non-edible Peeps merch like jewelry, earbuds, socks, sidewalk chalk, toddler-sized bucket hats, adult-sized bucket hats, and three-foot-tall bunny plushes.)
What unearthly confections will Just Born deliver into this realm next? Consider this a visit from the Ghost of Easter Future.
Doritos Locos Peeps
Orange-stained fingers aren’t just a symptom of certain chips anymore. Now sweets can ruin your white furniture, too. Besides, it’s high time Taco Bell expanded its dessert offerings beyond the Caramel Apple Empanada. (Coming in 2018: Mountain Dew Baja Blast Peeps.)
Chicken Nugget Peeps
If you stick a pair of beady wax eyes onto a humble McNug, you’re 80% of the way to a Peep as it is. Of the four standard nugget shapes, I’d recommend the boot—which vaguely resembles a baby bird, if you squint and/or wish hard enough—over the bell, ball, or bone.
Dayquil Peeps
A multifunctional treat in an appropriate neon-orange shade. (Do not operate heavy machinery after consuming this Peep. Do not exceed four Peeps within 24 hours.)
Activated Charcoal Peeps
An absorbent pitch-black—well, charcoal-black—Peep that’ll remind you of a s’more gone horribly wrong and may help combat diarrhea and gas, which seems fitting.
Sriracha Peeps
Given that there’s already a rooster on the bottle, a hot sauce-infused Peep seems like a logical next step. Better yet, you can film your oblivious children taking a bite of the bright-red chick (tell them it’s red velvet—which, yup, is already a Peeps flavor) and send the footage into Jimmy Kimmel Live for an inevitable prank segment.
Wheatgrass Peeps
Finally, you can justify blending Peeps directly into your smoothies. Such is the magic of wellness.
Chardonnay Peeps
A plummy, oak-aged chick with notes of pear and corn syrup. Perfect for the parents of sugar-crazed children on Easter morning.
Salt and Vinegar Peeps
Why shouldn’t your favorite Easter treat be as high in sodium as it is in sugar?
Glazed Easter Ham Peeps
Comes complete with miniature Peeps-sized cherries and pineapple rings.
Almond Peeps Milk
Springtime has heralded the arrival of Peeps Milk in the more adventurous of supermarket fridges for a few years now, in fresh-from-the-dairy flavors like Eggnog and Strawberry Créme. But why shouldn’t the lactose intolerant among us be able to enjoy diabetes in its purest liquid form?
Pumpkin Spice Peeps
I wrote “Pumpkin Spice Peeps” as a joke (goes perfectly with a pair of marshmallow-soft Ugg boots, am I right?), but I have since discovered that they are real. Very real. Pumpkin Spice Peeps are an actual product, released alongside Caramel Apple and Candy Corn as part of an autumn-themed Peeps line. Just Born, you have bested me. I am dead, and you may take my bones and boil them into gelatin.
