Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier.
St. Mom’s Wort — Plant extract that treats Mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. Empty Nestrogen — Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait til they moved out. Flipitor — Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. Antiboyotics — When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines and reducing money spent on make-up. Menicillin — Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, “You make me want to be a better person…” Buyagra — Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-one-all — Caution, when combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. Jack Asspirin — Relieves the headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. Anti-talksident — A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. Ragaman — When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. |
