“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” – Lewis Grizzard
“The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, just drop them off at the wrong house.” – Jeff Foxworthy
“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.” – Dave Barry
“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.” – Bob Ettinger
“My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.'” – Paula Poundstone
“The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.” – Roseanne
“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.'”- Richard Jeni
“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” -Johnny Carson
“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”- Paul Rodriguez
“My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Bigamy is having one wife or husband too many. Monogamy is the same.” – Oscar Wilde
“Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.” – Mae West
“Suppose you were an idiot… And suppose you were a member of Congress … But I repeat myself.” – Mark Twain
“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.” – A. Whitney Brown
“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” – Roseanne
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My Goodness, you’re right I never would’ve thought of that!'” – Dave Barry
“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” – George Carlin
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Author Unknown
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children”
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
