- I hate it when I go to hug someone really sexy and my face smashes right into the mirror.
- Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
- If you’re here, who’s running hell?
- I swear I wasn’t lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth again.
- Would you like to dance?
No?
You must’ve misheard me.
I said you look fat in those pants.
- I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.
- Did you fall from heaven? Cause your face looks kind of funky.
- If I promise to miss you, will you go, like, really far away?
- Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?
- Take my advice — it’s not like I’m dumb enough to.
- Light travels faster than sound, which is why people like you appear bright—until they open their mouths.
- Did something bad happen to you, or are you just naturally this terrible of a person?
- If at first you don’t succeed, stop trying already. You’re probably dumb.
- My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me. When he did, I asked why he was ignoring me.
- You might love your life, but I think it just wants to be friends.
- I always tell new hires, “Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.”
- Why is it that everything you love is either unhealthy, addictive, or has multiple restraining orders against you?
- When I see ads on TV featuring smiley housewives using some new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they’re clearly on.
- Those of you who think you know it all are reallyannoying to those of us who do.
- Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
- Hear that? It’s the sound of you not talking for once.
- I’m pretty sure I married someone else’s soulmate. If only they’d come around and take him off my hands.
- My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I got drunk.
- Why do people make end-of-the-world jokes like there’s no tomorrow?
- Your opinion is very important to me. Please stay on the line until you hear the beep for voicemail.
- Hi there, I’m human. What are you?
- Always remember: You’re just as unique as everybody else.
- Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground.
- I would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it since you’re not that bright.
- If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.
- Please tell me this train of thought you’re on has a caboose.
- Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face—once you shove them down the stairs, that is.
- If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something bad. If you see me laughing, it’s because I already have.
- The sooner I shoot you, the sooner I’ll get out of jail for it. Don’t assume that’s not a major incentive.
- This obviously isn’t working out. I think it’s time for us to go our separate ways and start making other people miserable.
- If you need so much space, there’s always NASA.
- They say you are what you eat, so lay off the nuts already.
- Your mind might want to dance, but your body is a really awkward white guy.
- I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- Sorry, my dog ate your text again.
- Would you rather have a million bucks, or [insert name]’s head full of nickels?
- Oh, I didn’t tell you? Must be none of your business then.
- So many freaks, so few circuses.
- If idiots grew on trees, this place would be an orchard.
- I have as much authority as the Pope. There just aren’t as many people who believe it.
- Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense.
- I’d be fine if there weren’t so much blood in my alcohol system.
- Masturbation is like procrastination—it’s all good fun until you realize you’re just f**king yourself.
- Think I’m sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care.
