100 Dad Jokes

A collection of 100 Dad Jokes that are so bad that they’re actually good.

Happy Father’s Day. Enjoy!

1. How do you know when you are going to drown in milk? When its past your eyes!
2. Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it
3. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
4. Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off? It reads “Small medium at large.”
5. A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”.
6. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?”
7. The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
8. A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
9. I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
10. Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
11. Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere.
12. I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
13. What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
14. I was thinking about moving to Moscow but there is no point Russian into things.
15. My New Years resolution is to stop leaving things so late.
16. If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas. Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.
17. “What’s ET short for? Because he’s only got little legs.”
18. People are making apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.
19. Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
20. What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Roberto
21. What do you call a Mexican man leaving the hospital? Manuel
22. I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.
23. Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.
24. I went to the doctor today and he told me I had type A blood but it was a type O.
25. When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
26. My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
27. I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
28. Without geometry life is pointless.
29. A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”
30. What’s Forest Gump’s Facebook password? 1forest1
31. I gave all my dead batteries away today… Free of charge.
32. I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
33. I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
34. Tea is for mugs.
35. What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
36. Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
37. A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned.
38. I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it’s Hans free.
39. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
40. How do you organize a space party? You planet.
41. How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
42. What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra.
43. Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah.
44. A man walked in to a bar with some asphalt on his arm. He said “Two beers please, one for me and one for the road.”
45. Just watched a documentary about beavers… It was the best damn program I’ve ever seen.
46. Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.
47. Conjunctivitis.com – now that’s a site for sore eyes.
48. A Sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”
49. “Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places” Doctor “Well don’t go to those places.”
50. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
51. I fear for the calendar, it’s days are numbered.
52. There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
53. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
54. Slept like a log last night … woke up in the fireplace.
55. What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!
56. They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian – they’re not laughing now.
57. What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
58. A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.
59. Velcro… What a rip-off.
60. I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down.
61. Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.
62. I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
63. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent.
64. Q: What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe? A: 400 Million Dollars.
65. “My Dog has no nose.” “How does he smell?” “Awful”
66. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
67. What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
68. So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Give me some chap-stick… and put it on my bill”
69. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
70. Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
71. Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
72. Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bay-gulls!
73. What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
74. What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
75. What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
76. How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.
77. Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.
78. What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles.
79. Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, “man, it’s really hot in here”. The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, “WHOA, a talking muffin!”
80. A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain”
81.  Sgt.: Commissar! Commissar! The troops are revolting! Commissar: Well, you’re pretty repulsive yourself.
82. What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
83. I knew i shouldn’t have ate that seafood. Because now i’m feeling a little… Eel
84. What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I’ll ketch up
85. What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.
86. Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts.
87. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with.
88. Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.
89. Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
90. What kind of magic do cows believe in? MOODOO.
91. Wife: Honey I’m pregnant. Me: Well…. what do we do now? Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor. Me: Hm.. I think I’d be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.
92. At what time does the soldier go to the dentist? 1430.
93. “Hold on, I have something in my shoe”  “I’m pretty sure it’s a foot”
94. Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base? Because there’s a Shortstop in between!
95. Dad I’m hungry’ … ‘Hi hungry I’m dad
96. When phone ringing Dad says ‘If it’s for me don’t answer it.
97. ‘Put the cat out’ … ‘I didn’t realize it was on fire
98. Where’s the bin? Dad: I haven’t been anywhere!
99. Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
100. When Dad drops a pea off of his plate ‘oh dear I’ve pee’d on the table!

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