You may not want to buy a used sofa when you make any of the following observations:
1. There’s a large red tag on it marked “Evidence”.
2. The cushions begin crawling away.
3. The fabric on the back has been repaired with a “Rebel And Proud” bumper sticker.
4. The owner asks you to sign a waiver.
5. What you thought was powdered sugar from a doughnut appears to be moving.
6. It appears to have reached its present location by being dragged several miles on its side.
7. The owner appears to be scratching himself rather frequently.
8. The owner seems reluctant to actually sit on or touch it himself.
9. A tag on the back says “Property of Blessed Hope Mission”.
10. It has its own nickname.
11. More than a dozen people know its nickname.
12. More than a hundred people know its nickname from a story in the local paper.
13. Someone appears to have constructed a drink holder on the armrest with a hacksaw, a torch, and a glue-gun.
14. There are mushrooms growing on the back.
15. It seems to generate its own heat.
16. Stuffing is protruding from bullet holes.
17. There appears to be more duct tape than vinyl on the cushions.
18. It growls when you sit on it.
19. It has a faint smell of ammonia.
20. Integral parts of its structure have been replaced with a garden hoe, a flasher barricade, and the drop gate from a railroad crossing.
21. The bottom is covered with asphalt and/or straw.
22. There’s a coin slot on the armrest.
23. There are labels in various spots that say “No Step”.
24. The owner occasionally pauses to pick things off of it and taste them.
25. It appears to have been spray-painted its present color.
26. You hear scampering noises inside.
27. The owner offers to throw in a free:
+ can of Lysol
+ can of Raid
+ fly swatter
+ flea collar
+ ant trap
+ vial of penicillin
28. Under the cushions you find:
+ half a bottle of ketchup
+ empty shotgun shells
+ an entire squirrel skeleton
+ Jimmy Hoffa’s wallet
+ a glass eye
+ ticket stubs from the 1939 World’s Fair
+ used prophylactics
+ the muffler from a ’72 Dodge
