Tag: Weekly World News

Amusing

Madonna Should Adopt Obama’s Aunt

Another classic opinion piece by Ed Anger.

Hey, Madonna: Why go halfway across the world to find somebody living in squalor, when we’ve got a poor African living right here?

Aunt Obama is an illegal alien who lives in the projects in Boston, and was supposed to get shipped back to Ooongaboongaland years ago. OK, Aunt Obama isn’t cute and little and covered in flies. But she’s still a real live African and hey, if Madonna adopted her, they’d both get to visit the White House sometimes, and they’d both love that!

I say why not? If Obama’s aunt was a Mexican, no one would even care! They didn’t deport boozehound Billy Carter or Bill Clinton’s crazy brother, did they? They didn’t ship half the Kennedys back to Ireland. And they’ve all been more trouble than this old broad.

Except she’s been living off the taxpayer’s dime, that is. Her nephew made millions off his boring books but he couldn’t buy her a nice little house? I guess that idea never came up on Obama’s Teleprompter!

The aunt’s lawyer says we can’t send her back because some fights have broken out back home between her tribe and another one, probably over who gets to drive the dead dictator’s 1978 Mercedes this week, or who turned whose wife into a goat.

Speaking of which, that Madonna’s looking pretty bad these days. I never thought she was that great to begin with, but let’s just say Guy Ritchie’s idea of a hot toy for the bedroom must’ve been The Clapper!

Source…

Amusing

Down With The Declaration of Dependence

Ed Anger from the “Weekly World News” gives us this jewel!

ED ANGER SAYS: DOWN WITH THE DECLARATION OF DEPENDENCE

I’m angrier than Adam Smith in an itchy kilt about what’s happened to our once great nation!

The other day I saw the Communist-in-Chief at a townhall meeting on tv — but I thought I was watching ‘Let’s Make a Deal’.

One lady got up and told him she needed a car and a new kitchen. The Teleprompter Kid told her to talk with his staff after the show and sure enough, some rich friend of his gave her a house! I thought I was watching Oprah instead of Obama!

Heck, Jesus himself only gave out fish sandwiches.

Some other guy wanted more unemployment insurance, and another didn’t like his benefits at McDonald’s. Mr. and Mrs. America, it was like a bunch of kids visiting Santa at the mall, except these nuts were louder and crazier!

Did folks beg Abe Lincoln for spare change on his way to the movies? Did John Adams buy everyone a new washing machine? What an embarrassment!

What happened to the good old days, when ordinary Americans worked at the same job for forty years, got a gold watch, then pawned it when times got tough?

We complain about the lineups at the DMV, but we want the same government to take care of us?

You all should move to Cuba, where Castro will give you a second hand rice cooker once in a while before he throws you in jail. Old Ed Anger will gladly buy you moochers a one-way ticket, cuz it’ll be the last free thing you get on this man’s dime!

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Top 20 Surprising Elvis Facts

Today is Elvis Presley’s birthday so to celebrate here are the Top 20 Surprising Elvis Facts compiled by “Weekly World News” the most accurate news media publication in the world.

How much do you REALLY know about The King? Read this collection of trivia and find out!

1. Elvis’ income dropped from $400,000 a month to $78 a month after he was drafted into the U.S. Army on Dec. 19, 1957.

2. The King’s entourage were known collectively as the Memphis Mafia. All sported diamond and gold rings, given to them by Elvis, on which a thunderbolt and the letters TCB had been imprinted. TCB stood for “Taking Care of Business”.

3. The Beatles visited Elvis at his home in California on Aug. 27, 1965, joining him in an informal jam session that, tragically, wasn’t recorded.

4. Elvis called milk “butch”.

5. Elvis gave away so many cars – including Corvettes, Cadillacs and Lincolns – that nobody has ever been able to come up with an accurate count.

6. The King’s last car was a 1976 Cadillac Eldorado which sported gold-plated hubcaps, TV – and a bar.

7. Elvis’ concert jumpsuits were given names. They included: Peacock, White Prehistoric Bird, Flame, Gypsy, Mad Tiger and King of Spades.

8. The King’s manager, Colonel Tom Parker, made more than Elvis. He got 50% of what the star made from 1967 on and then earned extra pay as a technical adviser on Elvis’ films.

9. The King’s first guitar cost $12.95.

10. Football was The King’s favorite sport and the Cleveland Browns were his favorite team.

11. Elvis’ favorite movie was James Dean’s Rebel Without a Cause, which he memorized line by line.

12. Some of Elvis’s bejewelled jumpsuits weighed more than 25 pounds.

13. The first country to honor Elvis on a postage stamp was the Caribbean island nation of Grenada.

14. Elvis owned 37 guns and liked them so much that he wore a two-shot derringer during live performances in the 1970s.

15. Elvis’ natural hair color was blond, but he dyed it black.

16. Elvis was awarded two medals while serving in the Army, one for expert marksmanship and the other for sharpshooting.

17. Elvis wore a cross, the Hebrew letter chai, and a star of David around his neck. “I don’t want to miss out on heaven due to a technicality,” he said.

18. Elvis recorded more than 600 songs in his music career, but didn’t write a single one of them.

19. Elvis’ favorite meal: Pork chops with brown gravy and apple pie for dessert.

20. Among the many nicknames Elvis went by were: E, Big E, Big El, The Bopping Hillbilly, The Cat, The Chief, Mr. Dynamite and, of course, The King.

Amusing

Barack Obama Posed Nude In Order to Pay His Way Though School

We can stop wondering how Barack Obama could afford law school.

Like I said before, if it’s in the Weekly World News, it must be true.


OBAMA NUDE

The shocking photo obtained by Weekly World News reporter Hideaki Tailor reveals that Obama revealed himself during his time at Harvard Law School.

In order to pay his way though Harvard Law, Barack Obama posed nude for several sessions of a figural drawing class.

Why had this been a secret for so long? Retired sculptor and art professor Lorraine Feinbaum explained, “Back then he only went by the nickname, ‘Stallion,’ as he was quite fit but slender.

“I was watching the debates the other night and thought Obama looked familiar. I dug through my old photographs and found this picture, and then I just put two and two together!”

The nude revelation in the middle of campaign is causing heart palpitations on either side of the aisle. Republicans are concerned he would take his clothes off for money, while Democrats have supported his decision.

“As the child of a working-class family, he did what he needed to do in order to get his first-class education,” explained Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House of Representatives.

Amusing

Breaking Scandal: Sarah Palin Hunts Sasquatch Out of Season


If its in “The Weekly World News” it must be true. Actually this is probably the most factually accurate “Main Stream Media” article on Sarah Palin to date!

Palin Bags a Bigfoot

Records and eyewitnesses have come to light that prior to announcing her candidacy for the Vice Presidency; Sarah Palin shot a Bigfoot from a helicopter.

A government helicopter was seen flying low over the Chugach National Park with what witnesses described as “a sexy librarian shooting out the side.” Employees at a local bait shop report seeing a similar woman only hours before carrying an infant in a camouflage Baby Bjorn.

The Bigfoot, or Sasquatch as it is known in scientific circles, was found dead on the outskirts of the park, just south of Wasilla, Alaska. Preliminary forensics reports confirm that an adult male Sasquatch was shot in the face with Palin’s trademark 5mm M4 Carbine Assault Rifle.

Environmental groups are in an uproar at the hunting death of a rare and notoriously reclusive species. Efforts to have the Sasquatch placed on the endangered species list have met with repeated opposition from state legislature, since protecting the ‘Missing Link’ could be seen as validating evolution.

Conservatives have immediately rallied to their party’s new star, citing that gun ownership and hunting are indelible parts of American culture. Indeed this point is hard to argue, as John Adams was notorious for having captured what he called a “Skunk Ape” and killing it with his bare hands on the White House lawn in front of a paying audience.

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