1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12.Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection… again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Scary Areas” routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
You might be a Liberal if:
You think IQ tests should be used to stop the death penalty, but not to determine admission to AP classes.
You think the Ten Commandments in schools will hurt the children, but “Heather Has Two Mommies” won’t.
You think African-American, Gay-Lesbian-Transgendered and Women’s Studies prepare young people for good careers, but a biology major is an outdated relic of white, misogynist domination.
You think math tests are racist, but there is nothing racist about blacks being admitted over more qualified white applicants.
You think spending 4 years – make that 5 years – repeating your professor’s liberal slogans is a solid education, but demanding that colleges present all view-points and actually teach the subject is “anti-intellectualism.”
You think McCarthyism was wrong, but black-listing “right-wingers” from ever teaching in college is just plain old common sense. A right-winger is anyone who doesn’t toe the line on all issues.
You think education is about “feeling,” not knowing. Logic is the product of white male supremacy in our culture.
You vehemently hate some people not because of who they are or what they say, but because of their political beliefs.
You think meat is bad for you. So is milk. But marijuana gets you ready for your finals.
You think AIDS is caused by poverty. So is crime. And membership in the Republican party.
You march to raise awareness about breast cancer, but believe it’s caused by sexism and infant mortality is caused by racism.
You want to outlaw cigarettes and legalize marijuana.
You think that mobs of black people attacking, assaulting, and killing white people aren’t committing racist hate crimes, because only white people are racist.
You think global cooling for 10 years proves that there is global warming.
You fly on private jets, but feel free to tell others to use only one square of toilet paper to save the environment.
You think that using less toilet paper will be good for the air.
You think the best way to care about a disease is to wear a ribbon. You also think you must prevent pharmaceutical companies from making a profit.
You think people should be allowed to euthanize themselves, but not to eat in McDonald’s.
You think career welfare recipients are fat because they can’t afford food.
You preach to everyone that diversity is our greatest strength, but you paid half a million dollars more for a house in an all-white suburb than you could’ve for the same house in a black neighborhood.
You see racist code-words in all media except in hip-hop singles such as “Kill The White People”.
You wonder out loud, “Why can’t we all just get along?”
You oppose all racial prejudice, but think all whites are racist, consciously or not.
You think IQ tests are completely invalid and there are no differences between people, except when an anonymous blogger posts that all the Red States have a borderline retarded IQ and all the Blue states are made up exclusively of intellectually gifted people. Then you feel the need to send the blog post to everyone you know as conclusive proof that voting for Democrats makes you smart.
You greet a black person with, “Yo Bro!”
You think Indians created the United States and Europe became great as a result of Islamic influences. On second thought, Europe isn’t great.
You can’t believe you were so racist as to say that there’s something great about Europe except their Social Democrat parties.
You think Black dominance in basketball is progress, but white dominance in swimming is an outrage.
You think illegal Mexicans are real Americans, and that the descendants of our Founding Fathers aren’t.
You think racial profiling is wrong, and that all serial killers are white and all Mexicans are hard-working family men.
You think the U.S. wants to build a wall on the Mexican and not Canadian border because of racism, not because 20 million Mexicans and almost no Canadians cross into the U.S. illegally.
You think there is no correlation between Islamic immigration to Europe and increased anti-Semitic attacks against European Jews.
You think prostitution empowers women, but having a man open the door for you is degrading.
You get out of bed, look at your naked body and at your wife’s, and then think: “gender is a social construct that has no basis in science”.
On second thought, you got married in Vermont and your wife’s name is Thomas.
This is funny. If you you politically correct you may be offended. All of it was funny as hell to me.
TEN TRUTHS WHITE, BLACK, AND ASIAN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON’T ADMIT:
1. Hickies are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country’s flag is not a car decoration.
5. Cars are not meant to touch the ground.
6. “Jump out and run” is not in any insurance policies.
7. Ten people to a car is considered too many.
8. You’re in America, you speak English.
9. Mami and Papi can’t possibly be the nickname of every person inyour family
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.
TEN TRUTHS BLACK, HISPANIC, AND ASIAN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON’T ADMIT:
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
8. NSYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional spanking helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.
TEN TRUTHS WHITE, HISPANIC, AND ASIAN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON’T ADMIT:
1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Ranch is a salad dressing, not a side dish.
5. Your pastor doesn’t know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a Kool Aid flavor, it’s a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.
TEN TRUTHS WHITE, HISPANIC, AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT ASIAN PEOPLE WON’T ADMIT:
1. You can’t drive.
2. Disneyland is not the happiest place on earth.
3. The peace sign is outdated.
4. Rice is not a main course.
5. Taking pictures is fun, taking pictures of strangers is just weird.
6. Feet were meant to grow.
7. You need girls just as much as you need boys.
8. Dogs were meant to be pets, not eaten.
9. You dont need above a 4.0 to graduate.
10. Fanny packs are not an accessory.
