A funny mid-20th century newsreel featuring amazingly accurate predictions of the year 2000.
OFFICIAL SELECTION
Montrael Just For Laughs Comedy Festival
Chicago Short Film Festival
Written and Directed by Scott Dikkers
Starring Tim Harrod, Maria Schneider
DP: Natalie Richter
Dear Dar Al Islam,
I am privileged to be speaking to you today from Cairo’s Al Azhar University, the world renowned center of Islamic scholarship. Once upon a time, Islamic science was the envy of the world over. Islamic scholars brought knowledge and faith to Europe and Asia. Informed by their centuries old faith, the greatest minds of Islam helped transform the world with their wisdom, their belief and their intellectual curiosity.
All was well until my predecessor, responding to a random act of man caused disaster on September 11, began a relentless bombing campaign that devastated the peaceful peoples of Iraq and Afghanistan. We will never know how much ancient wisdom lies buried in Usama Bin Laden’s Tora Bora fortress of meditation and learning. Or how much knowledge was lost when US warplanes rained terror and death on the Baghdad offices of Saddam Hussein’s Mukhbarat intelligence service.
Worse than even this senseless destruction, were the lost possibilities that my country’s rash and hasty actions deprived the world of. I cannot help but think of the young men of the Taliban who will never have the chance to set foot in a classroom– and then blow it up because it is filled with young girls. I cannot help but wonder what secrets of the universe Saddam’s chemical weapons researchers might not have uncovered, had they not been brutally tortured and interrogated by American troops in Abu Ghaib.
But worst of all is the sense of alienation that has come between my people and the American people, between Muslims and non-Muslims, between the people of Cairo and Iowa, all because we have not truly listened to one another.
So I have come here with an apology. A great big apology.
I apologize first of all for our rush to judgment in the aftermath of the man-caused disaster that occurred on September 11. We may never know for certain who was behind these attacks, whether it was extremists operating out of Afghanistan and hijacking the good name of Islam to disguise their links to the CIA, or whether as my hosts have suggested, it was perhaps the Jews. We will never know.
But no attack, no amount of carnage justifies the unthinking hatred with which the American people responded to this unfortunate incident. We may never be able to fully rebuild the trust between our nations, though I hope our latest offering of billions of dollars in “security assistance” will be accepted in the degraded spirit in which it was intended.
I apologize on behalf of my nation for these war crimes which we have committed against you. Furthermore I apologize for the actions of the previous administration in falsely associating your peaceful faith with the criminal acts of renegade terrorists. Yes the previous administration repeatedly insisted that Islam is a religion of peace, and that most Muslims could not be held accountable for the acts of a small minority. But this did not go nearly far enough in distancing Muslims from terrorism.
I also apologize for our support of Israel, a policy which my administration is doing its best to terminate. I understand better than anyone else, how vital genocide and ethnic cleansing are to the Muslim faith, and that by thwarting the heartfelt desire of a billion Muslims to hold their own Holocaust, my country dealt a severe blow to your faith. I am truly sorry for that.
I must also apologize for America’s custom of free speech which has often offended the world’s Muslims. Please be assured that my administration is working hard to ensure that this curious custom never troubles you again. Free speech was a practice implemented by White Male Deists, at a barbaric time in our past when it was not yet understood, that true tolerance can only be maintain through relentless and rigorous censorship.
Finally I apologize for everything about us that offends you. Our failure to stone women to death for showing their faces in public. Our ice cream which occasionally has swirls that resemble the name Allah. Our military where men and women fight to defend America against you. Our general prosperity, which is something my administration is working to change. And most of all for our existence.
I am truly and very deeply sorry that some half a century ago, the founder of your Muslim Brotherhood came to America, was shocked and revolted by a sock hop, and decided to declare unending war upon us. I am so sorry about that and I surrender. There will be no more sock hops from now on. Also no more free speech. No more cartoons. No more wealth and prosperity. No more military. No more freedom of religion. No more anything.
From now on I pledge to help make sure that the next generation of Americans will be poor, backward, oppressed, ignorant, intolerant and terrified of the government– and of course Muslim, just like you.
Thank you for allowing me to speak before you and bow to your glorious leaders. May Allah curse America.
Yours humbly
Barack Hussein Obama
By John Lillpop
On the heels of the ”right-wing extremist” controversy coming from the Department of Homeland Security, a counter force is looking to identify and deal with left-wing extremists.
According to prudent sources, You Are a left-wing Extremist If You Believe that–
Being a left-wing extremist is the least patriotic behavior that one can engage in. Avoid liberalism at all costs!
The liberal brain does not collect and process information in a logical, orderly, reasonable, and objective manner. Rather, liberal thinking is dominated by an obsession with power, and use of that power to preserve and or advance elitist advantages.
This distorted perspective makes it very difficult to understand exactly how liberals think without earning an advanced degree in Abnormal Psychology.
Nonetheless, the following non-technical summary should be useful to lay people.
How liberals think on 10 major issues of the day:
According to liberal dogma, the Declaration of Independence, U.S. Constitution, and Bill of Rights are unconstitutional because all were crafted by an exclusive conclave of white male Christians.
Women, Hispanics, African-Americans, Asians, gays, lesbians, transsexuals, the handicapped, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, and the blind were all under represented, if at all.
Because of this devastating lack of diversity, the Constitution must be regarded as a “living document,” subject to change in accordance with ever changing demographics and contemporary values.
Freedom of speech must never be quashed, except for criticism directed at minorities and sensitive constituencies of the Democrat party.
Burning Old Glory is protected free speech, whereas expressions of conservative values by people like Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage are unacceptable “hate speech,” which must be subjected to “fairness” censoring and termination by the federal government.
On issues of life and death, liberals are especially vulnerable to tripping on their own hypocritical double talk.
Namely:
A woman’s right to abort the life of an innocent child is inalienable; whereas execution of a convicted killer is cruel, unusual & barbaric.
Starving a helpless victim like Terri Schaivo to death is acceptable; but using lethal injection to end the life of a brutal killer is not.
Religious faith and belief in God are outdated pagan concepts, which do more harm than good. Sophisticated citizens can rely on the Democrat party for support from cradle to grave, obviating the need to rely on beliefs and rituals long since debunked.
Symbols of Christianity such as the Ten Commandments, the Cross, Christmas trees, nativity scenes, and the like must be hidden from public view so as to offend no one.
Publicly wishing a friend or family member “Merry Christmas” is clearly an act of civil disobedience and unconstitutional.
While Christianity is to be suppressed at all costs, Islam must be openly promoted in the name of religious awareness, sensitivity and tolerance.
The separation of state and government applies fully when dealing with Christianity or Judaism, but is irrelevant with regard to Islam and all other religions.
Delivery of Christmas cards and gifts by the United States Postal Service is an unconstitutional violation of state-religion separation and must end immediately.
Leveling the playing field between haves and have-nots is the most important function of government, even more critical than national security.
To support that objective, no government role is more essential than levying and collecting taxes, otherwise known as redistribution of wealth.
Tax cuts are wrong when returned to people who actually paid taxes, but are perfectly fine when sent to those who paid none.
Although most liberals deny that Jesus even lived, many use the quote in Matthew 22:21, “Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s…” to justify higher taxes.
Paying taxes is the “Christian Conservative” thing to do!
The traditional American family consisting of one man and one woman is just one of several possible arrangements, all of which are equally moral and acceptable.
Marriage is no longer necessary to sanctify man-woman relationships.
Although the institution of marriage is no longer vital to heterosexual partners, it is absolutely essential that same-sex couples be allowed to marry. To deny them that basic right is discriminatory, immoral, unfair, and clearly unconstitutional.
Liberals believe that discrimination based on race or gender is wrong. Except when waged against Caucasian men, in which case it is mandated by law and called Affirmative Action.
“Our Diversity Is our Greatest Strength” is the liberal pledge of allegiance to socialism.
Enforcing U.S. borders and immigration laws, including deportation of illegal aliens, is wrong because it targets Hispanics, obviously based on racial profiling.
Those who support English as the official language of America are racists. But those who prefer Spanish and other foreign languages over English are not because of the inherent value of diversity.
Conservatives who seek to preserve American language and culture are bigoted hate mongers, whereas new immigrants, including illegal aliens, must be allowed to maintain and celebrate their cultural heritage at all costs, even if it interferes with assimilation into mainstream America.
According to liberal propaganda, they are the only hope for American families, notwithstanding the fact that Democrats support the influx of millions of illegal aliens who work for lower wages and without benefits, and drive down the standard of living for working families.
Skyrocketing gasoline prices devastate working American families, but protecting Alaskan wild life is a greater priority.
Businesses are oppressive institutions that must not be allowed to become too large and powerful. By contrast, government creates wealth & happiness and should be expanded whenever possible.
Outsourcing of American jobs to foreign nations is driven by immoral corporate greed.
By contrast, open borders and amnesty are acceptable because most illegal aliens are future Democrats.
Huge profits are obscene and un-American, except when enjoyed by Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, George Soros, Oprah Winfrey, Ted Turner, Teddy Kennedy, and other liberals.
According to liberal technocrats like Al Gore, Nancy Pelosi, Katie Couric, and Dennis Kucinich, global warming is a greater threat to the health and well being of humanity than the war on terror.
Some liberal extremists even think that the colors of the American flag should be changed to green, white, and blue so as to reflect the importance of the environment to our nation, while simultaneously deleting the color red, which symbolizes blood shed in illegal wars waged by Bushes 41 and 43.
Military force must never be used, except when needed to advance interests not vital to the United States, or to obscure a Democrat president’s sexual misconduct in the Oval Office.
Invading a foreign nation is wrong, except when aliens from Mexico invade America.
Understanding liberal thinking is probably more trouble than it is worth. The more prudent action would be to take all necessary steps to assure that liberals are not elected or reelected to political office.
By John Lillpop