Tag: Satire

“…In order to forge a cosmic accord of unprecedented unity and harmony, The Politically Correct Movement demands that all people, regardless of prior social preconditioning must accept the incipient world order that will offer unlimited bliss and contentment. Dammit.” ~ Prof. Dr. Skippy “Houng Lau” Whitmore Berkeley CA, 1965

PC Primer

What is P.C.?

PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a diversity of cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Politically Correctness is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded.

Why should I be PC?

Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression.

I am a white male. Can I still be PC?

Sure. As a matter of fact, most people at the forefront of the PC grand destiny are white males. But remember, as a white male, you must constantly feel guilty.

Why?

If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every injustice in the world: slavery, war, genocide, and plaid sport coats. That means that you are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down.

How?

It’s simple. You’ve got to be careful what you say, what you think, and what you do. You just don’t want to offend anyone.

You mean I should guard against offending anyone?

That’s right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious Utopia, like in John Lennon’s Imagine.

How else can I be PC?

Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you can buy “Rain Forest Crunch?” Segrega–whoops–separate all of your garbage into different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic, etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time. Then don’t let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don’t use aerosol. And by all means, don’t burn or deface our flag. Remember, as a citizen of the United States, you’re living in God’s country. If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part! Don’t do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC musicians: U2, REM, Sinead O’Connor, Sting, or K. D. Lang.

Harass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal was mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, “FUR!” They hate that. And don’t ever eat meat.

Don’t eat meat? Why not?!

Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have rights. When you eat meat, you’re oppressing animals!

So all killing is bad?

No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn’t.

How do I know when an animal has rights?

The general rule is as follows: If an animal is rare, pretty, big, cute, furry, huggable, or lovable, then it has rights. Examine the following chart:

RIGHTS                  NO RIGHTS               
cows                    cockroaches             
cute bunnies            flies                   
dolphins in tuna nets   tuna in tuna nets       
whales                  sharks                  
red squirrels           gray squirrels          
owls                    loggers                 
harbor seals            barnacles

Wow. What else can I do to be PC?

Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what gives flavor to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual identity. Check your refrigerator for Freon leaks. Subscribe to National Geographic. Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes. After you read it, use the paper as an alternative fuel source. Try to wear clothes with Xs on them if they’re all natural fibers. Above all, always question authority!

But wait, I thought–

Don’t worry, that’s not important.

Well, I’m not too sure about this.

If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. You Are Right. It’s that simple. You, as a PC social warrior, are right.

How do I know if an action is un-PC?

Good question. It’s critical to know when someone is saying something insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The guideline is as follows:

Is the confrontation between two white people?

Yes: The liberal is right.

No: The white person is oppressing the ethnic person.

Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading of Mayor Marion Barry, or the Clarence Thomas issue, are really race issues.

Here’s a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you can make into race bias stories. It’s fun! Some PCers are so good they can make the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet!

What should I do if I see someone do something non-PC?

It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority, by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge. If your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s, she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender disciplined.

But isn’t that censorship?

The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism, and insensitivity to be espoused by anyone. That’s not what free speech is about. Some call it censorship. PCers call it “selective” speech. Saying something negative about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them in the face. We just can’t allow that kind of verbal assault.

I’ve heard a lot about PC words to replace “Black,” “Indian,” etc.

Yes. That’s part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take “black” for instance. Why should a person be judged by the color of their skin?

You mean they should rather be judged by the content of their character?

No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If your great-grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships!

I’m a mixture of French, German, English, and Russian. Can I get one?

No, there are no scholarships for any of those. Sorry. If you are a woman, however, there should be some.

Hey, wouldn’t a white person from Libya or Egypt technically be an African-American?

Technically, yes. But that’s not the kind of African-American we mean. We mean black African-Americans. Another example: A white South-African US immigrant is not an African-American either.

How can I learn to make my language more politically correct?

For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook.

I’d like my child to be PC. What can I do?

Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer their time with philanthropies. Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western perspectives on history. Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes to reflect cultural biases.

I don’t get it.

Well, the way the system works now, “select” under-represented minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions at school and work and receive preferential treatment. This is unfair and wrong.

It is?

Yes. The true PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score, depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been benefited by society during your life. That means that you lose ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else.

I guess that sounds right.

It is right. That’s the beauty of PC.

What else do I have to be careful of?

Humor. PC people take every comment very seriously. We will not accept any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a racial or ethnic slur.

Give me an example.

“What’s black and white and red all over?” has been staple humor for decades. Not PC–It can be taken the wrong way.

In everyday speech, try to use phrases like, “Isn’t that the pot calling the kettle African-American.” Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning culture or gender should be omitted. True, this mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that’s a small price to pay for social equality.

Is that all there is to it?

Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating people differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard the bandwagon… Be PC. Or you’re an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive pig.

PC Lexicon

       "Insensitive Term"         "Preferred Term"  

    ETHNICITY (PC people do not recognize the term "race" as valid)      
              Black               African-American (Note: does not      
                                  include Libyans, Egyptians, white     
                                  Africans. Does include people with    
                                  dark skin regardless of where they    
                                  are from or where they live.)         
            Oriental              Asian-American (Note: not             
                                  considered "real" minorities since    
                                  they tend to do well.)                
             Indian               Native American Indigenous Peoples    
                                  of the North American continent       
                                  (Note: the following teams are not    
                                  PC: Atlanta Braves, Cleveland         
                                  Indians, Washington Redskins. Avoid   
                                  these cities!)                        
             Chicano              Hispanic (Note: the following are     
                                  not PC: Cheech and Chong, Chico and   
                                  the Man, the Cisco Kid, Rosarita      
                                  Salsa, Speedy Gonzales.)              
           White Trash            PC Unaware Rustically Inclined        
       WASP (white male)          Insensitive Cultural Oppressor 

                                GENDER                                   
             Woman                Womyn, Vaginal-American               
              Girl                Pre-Womyn                             
           Housewife              Domestic Engineer                     
            Fireman               Fire Fighter                          
           Stewardess             Flight Attendant                      
           Meter Maid             Parking Enforcement Officer           
            Postman               Postperson                            
            Mailman               Personperson                          
      Policeman (cop, pig)        Law Enforcement Officer Baton Boy     
                                  California Clubber                    
           Prostitute             Sex Surrogate (Teen Victim, see       
                                  Broken Home)                          
     Mankind, human, person       Earth Children   

                          PEOPLE (subgroups)                             
           Handicapped            Differently Abled Handicapable        
                                  (Blind: optically darker; Deaf:       
                                  visually oriented)                    
              Poor                Economically Unprepared               
               Bum                Homeless Person Displaced Homeowner   
                                  Philosophy Major                      
             Hunter               Animal Assasin Meat Mercenary Bambi   
                                  Butcher                               
      Commercial Fisherman        Flipper Whipper                       
             Whaler               Blubber Lover                         
       Old Person Elderly         Senior Citizens Time-extended         
                                  Gerontologically Advanced             
          Conservative            Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig      
          Drug Addict             Chemically Challenged                 
              Bald                Comb-free                             
           Vegetable              Noble Unconscious Hero                
            Bisexual              Sexually Nonpreferential              
          Midget Dwarf            Little People Vertically Challenged   
             Insane               Selectively Perceptive Mental         
                                  Explorer                              
          Tree-hugger             Environmental Activist                
             Logger               Wood Weasel Paper Pirate Treeslayer   
           Obese Fat              Differently Weighted People of Mass   
                                  Gravitationally Challenged  

                               ACADEMIC                                  
            Far East              Asia                                  
           Censorship             Selective Speech                      
               BC                 BCE                                   
         Older Students           Non-traditional Students              
                                  New-traditional Students              
      Learning Disability         Self-paced Cognitive Ability          
            Cheating              Academic Dishonesty                   
            Library               Information Center                    
           Used book              Recycled book                         
              Dorm                Residence Hall                        
            Berkeley              Mecca  

                             MISCELLANEOUS                               
          Broken Home             Dysfunctional Family                  
         Mercy Killing            Euthanasia Putting down               
          Cattle Ranch            Cattle Concentration Camp             
                                  "Moo-shwitz"                          
         Ghetto Barrio            Ethnically Homogeneous Area           
                                  Pre-integrated Pre-Nirvana            
           Hamburger              Seared, Mutilated Animal Flesh        
          Cheeseburger            Adding Insult to Injury               
              Tree                Oxygen Exchange Unit                  
              Gang                Youth Group                           
      Pimpmobile Low-rider        Culturally Responsive Transportation  
      Drunk Trashed Wasted        Spatially Perplexed                  
              Slum                Economic Oppression Zone              
             China                Porcelain                             
          Delicatessen            Corpse Farm

Socially Intolerable Words

These are some, but unfortunately not all, words that are used to describe people. Remember, there are much more eloquent PC ways to say the same thing (and mean the same thing) without offending any of Earth’s Children.

Do not use these words.(except when telling other people not to use them). If you hear anyone use these words, regardless of context, respond immediately:

“Alky, Babe, Beaner, Belgian-Bastard, Betty, Bimbo, Bitch, Blonde, Broad, Bum, Canuck, Chick, Chink, Coolie, Coon, Commie, Crip, Dego, Dike, Dot-head, Druggie, Fag, Fairy, Four-Eyes, Fudgepacker, Greaser, Hebe, Hippie,Honky, Hooknose, Indian, Injun, Jap, JAP, Jesus-Freak, Kike, Kraut, Lez, Lush, Nazi, Nigger, Nudnick, Pinko, Pollock, Raghead, Redneck, Redskin, Retard,Ruskie, Sambo, Skirt, Spic, Spook, Tart, Toots, Uncle Tom, Vegetable, Wetback, Whore, White-Trash, Wop”

Reading this list made your skin tingle with revulsion, didn’t it? It better have.

The above are fulsome terms. PC doctrine states that all references to these words be deleted from extant printed material and conversation.