Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird.. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?’

Who was the first person to say, ‘See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.’

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he’s going to look up there anyway?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Ever Wonder…

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why you have to click on “Start” to stop Microsoft Windows?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dish washing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn’t mouse-flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a “new & improved” flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don’t make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport “the terminal” if flying is so safe?

Oxymorons!

01. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

02. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

03. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

04. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

05. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

06. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

07. Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

08. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?

09. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?

10. Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?

12. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?

14. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?

15. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

Ponderisms: Part Two

Here is another list of things to ponder if you’re tired of wondering why the greatest country in the world is dependant on dictators and people that hate us for our energy needs.


Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called “builts”?

When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?

How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?

If the plural of tooth is “teeth,” why isn’t the plural of booth “beeth”?

How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn’t have anything to jot it down on?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

When an agnostic dies, does he go to the “great perhaps”?

Why are there interstates in Hawaii?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages when it’s just stale bread to begin with?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Why do we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing nightgowns?

Why don’t they call moustaches “mouthbrows”?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it?

Why isn’t “phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?

Why do “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?

What’s another word for “thesaurus”?

Why do skydivers wear helmets?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

What’s the speed of dark?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?


Ponderisms

Here is a list of other things to ponder if you’re tired of wondering why the greatest country in the world is dependant on dictators and people that hate us for our energy needs.


Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. But it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do you know that the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?