Universal Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated withgreaseyour nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the leastaccessible corner.

3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directlyproportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get abusy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for workbecause you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have aflattire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one youwere in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (worksevery time).

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, thetelephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone youknowincreases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machinewon’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inverselyproportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthestfrom the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,yourboss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee iscold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a lockerroom, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jellysandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directlycorrelated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t knowwhat you are talking about.

17. Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

18. Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,they will stop making it.

Murphy’s Lesser-Known Dictums

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks the slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day sinking worms.

11. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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