The Top 12 Indicators that the Economy is Bad

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Jun 032009
 

The top twelve indicators that the economy is bad:

12. CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

8. Obama met with small businesses – GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

6. People in Beverly Hills are firing their nannies and are learning their children’s names.

5. The most highly-paid job now is jury duty.

4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, “finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America ?”

3. Motel Six won’t leave the lights on.

2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

And the number one indicator is:

1. If the bank returns your check marked “insufficient funds,” you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Questions That Keep Me Up At Night

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Feb 052008
 

Questions That Keep Me Up At Night

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

 

 

Words of Wisdom Part II

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Jan 022008
 

  • America is a country that doesn’t know where it is going but is determined to set a speed record getting there. (Laurence J. Peter)
  • America is so vast that almost everything said about it is likely to be true, and the opposite is probably equally true. (James T. Farrell)
  • America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization. (Georges Clemenceau)
  • America makes prodigious mistakes, America has colossal faults, but one thing cannot be denied: America is always on the move. She may be going to Hell, of course, but at least she isn’t standing still. (e. e. cummings)
  • Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it’s better than no government at all.
  • Being Politically Correct means always having to say you’re sorry. (Charles Osgood)
  • Bread is the staff of life; toast a decadent capitalist luxury.
  • Bureaucrats cut red tape…lengthwise!
  • Congress is continually appointing fact-finding committees, when what we really need are some fact-facing committees. (Roger Allen)
  • Congressmen are the finest body of men money can buy.
  • A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. (Alfred E. Wiggam)
  • A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. (Elbert Hubbard)
  • A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward. (Franklin Delano Roosevelt)
  • Conspiracy theories depend on the perpetrators being endlessly clever. The facts work if you assume everyone is endlessly stupid.
  • Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. (George Bernard Shaw)
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
  • Genghis Khan conquered Asia with an army only half the size of New York’s civil service.(N.Y. Times 8 Oct 1972)
  • The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them which we are missing. (Gamel Nasser)
  • The government fighting inflation is like the mafia fighting crime.
  • Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
  • Hell hath no fury like a vested interest masquerading as a moral principle.
  • How prophetic L’Enfant was when he laid out Washington D. C. as a city that goes around in circles. (John Mason Brown)
  • If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
  • If there’s anything a public servant hates to do it’s something for the public. (Kin Hubbard)
  • In America, anyone can be president. that’s one of the risks you take.
  • In this country we get stuck with taxes, but in the old country we used to get stuck with bayonets. (from The Drifters by James A. Michener)
  • Invest in America. Buy a Congressman!
  • It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. (Voltaire)
  • Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
  • Keeping freedom safe from democracy.
  • A liberal is a conservative who has gone to jail, and a conservative is a liberal who has been mugged.
  • A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist, and too rich to be a communist.
  • A liberal thinks that goats are just sheep from broken homes.
  • Many a person seems to think it isn’t enough for the government to guarantee him the pursuit of happiness. He insists it also run interference for him.
  • My folks didn’t come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet the boat. (Will Rogers)
  • No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. (H. L. Mencken)
  • Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons. (Bertrand Russell)
  • Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it. (George Bernard Shaw)
  • Personal responsibility is a difficult thing to ask for in a nation which has attempted to find a societal “root cause” for all things. (Shapley R. Hunter, 1992)
  • Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
  • The problem with government is that it scratches where there ain’t no itch.
  • The Puritans came to America to worship in their way – and to force everybody else to do the same.
  • A real patriot is a fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices because the system works. (Bill Vaughn)
  • The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. (Jay Leno)
  • Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
  • The supply of government exceeds the demand.
  • Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
  • Thank God we don’t get all the government we pay for.
  • They proclaim that every man is entitled to exist without labor and, the laws of reality to the contrary notwithstanding, is entitled to receive his “minimum sustenance” – his food, his clothes, his shelter – with no effort on his part, as his due and his birthright. To receive it – from whom? (Ayn Rand)
  • Washington D.C. is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
  • Why do we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
  • At a dinner for Commonwealth heads of state some years ago, the chief of protocol saw a guest pocket a gold salt cellar. He asked Winston Churchill what he should do. “Leave it to me” said Sir Winston, and proceeded to pocket a gold pepper-shaker. He then turned to the guilty party and whispered, “Oh, dear, the chief of protocol saw. We’d better put them both back.”
  • The 10 Commandments contain 297 words.
    The Bill of Rights is stated in 463 words.
    Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address contains 266 words.
    A recent federal directive to regulate the price of cabbage contains 26,911 words.
  • They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it worked for over 200 years and what the hell, we’re not using it anymore.
  • To understand politics, we must read between the lies.
  • TV announcer: “This has been a test…if it had been an actual emergency, the government would probably have kept it a secret!”
  • When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President; I’m starting to believe. (Clarence Darrow)
  • You read about all these terrorists – most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
    Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you’re two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

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Words of Wisdom: 1-2-2008

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Jan 022008
 

  • It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
  • Pro is to con as progress is to Congress
  • Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland
  • Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
  • It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
  • Lubarsky’s Law of Cybergenic Entomology: There’s always one more bug.
  • Paul’s Law: You can’t fall off the floor.
  • Heller’s Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
  • First law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it’s always uphill and against the wind.
  • Osborne’s Law: Variables won’t; constants aren’t.
  • Weinberg’s Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
  • First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.
  • Hartly’s First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you’ve got something.
  • Dentist: A prestidigitator who, putting metal in one’s mouth, pulls coins from one’s pockets. -Ambrose Pierce
  • Someone ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
  • You don’t have to think too hard while talking to teachers. – J.D. Salinger
  • If bankers can count, why do they have eight windows and only four tellers?
  • Those who can’t write, write manuals.
  • Never call a man a fool. Borrowws from him.
  • A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
  • “He was so narrow-minded, he could see through a keyhole with both eyes…”
  • The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
  • You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You’ll learn a lot today.
  • Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It’s easy to critisize, but if everyone hated you, ytou’d be paranoid, too.
  • I’d give my right arm to be ambidexterous.
  • Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
  • Main’s Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
  • If you don’t care where you are, then you aren’t lost.
  • Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  • About the time we make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
  • Beware of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
  • Stealing a rhinocerous should not be attempted lightly.
  • All I ask for is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
  • If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.
  • I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
  • Armadillo: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
  • There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone else, or forbid your kids to do it.
  • How come wrong numbers are never busy?
  • Serving coffee on an airplane causes turbulence.
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  • Frisbeetarianism: the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
  • When you’re in it uop to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
  • Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
  • Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
  • Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
  • I really hate this damned machine/I wish that they would sell it/It never does quite what I want/But only what I tell it
  • Worst Vegetable of the Year: the brussle sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
  • Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage
  • Drive defensively: Buy a tank.
  • Anything is good if it’s made of chocolate.
  • Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn
  • Moderation is for monks.
  • Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
  • How long a minute is depend on which side of the bathroom door you’re on.
  • Life is like a dog-sled team… If you ain’t the lead dog, the scene never changes.
  • If there’s artificial intelligence, there’s bound to be some artificial stupidity.

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