Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
I don’t have gray hair. I have ‘wisdom highlights.’ I am very wise.
I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
Even duct tape can’t fix stupid…but it can muffle the sound.
I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.
The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back ‘no’ which is shorter than yes.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks.
The biggest lie I tell myself is…”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet…
Old age is coming at a really bad time. I’m not young enough for it.
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
When did it change from “We the people” to “Screw the people?”
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
At my age, ‘Getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering why I went in there.
