General
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re completely certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Dining Out
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
3. Belching “to make room for dessert” is frowned upon.
Entertaining In Your Home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
3. Waking the children to come out so you can show guests “they ain’t got no birth defects” is impolite. (And bringing them out to show guests that they do have them is considered very rude.)
Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s own truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. (However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.)
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 p.m.; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
Weddings
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving
1. When sending your date down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to also bring back beer.
2. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
3. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
