Nov 072013
Nov 072013
A brief review of World History as it really happened.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved in to women. The rest became known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today’s lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above post before sharing it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history lesson that it will be shared immediately with other true believers and with some Liberals just to piss them off.
John Stossel – ObamaSCARE
Information, Political
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Nov 072013
The latest from John Stossel along with a poem “The Website” from FreedomWorks.
(in the tradition of Edgar Allen Poe)
Once upon an Autumn morning, as I woke up without warning,
The sunrise barely dawning, casting shadows on the floor,
I started my computer, checked my studly WiFi router
And clicked to check a website I had heard of oft before.
Healthcare dot gov it was nam-ed, and promised health care plans galore.
Just the plans and nothing more.See, yesterday my postman’s walking and his strong insistent knocking.
Brought to me a rather shocking note that chilled me to my core.
Cancelled! Gone! My insurance! Though I had complete assurance,
From many an occurrence during Obama’s campaign tour.
All those promises I heard during that massive campaign tour
Hardly mentioned evermore.Oh, I well recall that time, back in the year 2009,
Our President said “I’m gonna make you a deal you can’t ignore.
You won’t lose the plan that you love. I swear it to the stars above.
Even though we’ll add a lot of people who weren’t there before.
But don’t worry about that really, worry is such an awful bore.
That he said, and plenty more.My heart, though heavy, lifted as my thoughts to the web site drifted,
And I felt I had been gifted with that promise that he swore.
On my keyboard did I type the web address that he hyped,
My anticipation ripe, a health plan I would surely score.
An affordable, wondrous health plan bought right from the gov’ment store.
Quoth the website, “404”.“Huh”, I grunted quietly. I typed it again, defiantly,
Must be traffic arriving mightily to the website’s server core.
I clicked once on the center of the button they marked “Enter”
Told them my age and gender, where I lived and so much more.
Income, marital status, children, my favorite band and more
Quoth the website, “404”.“Oh, come on!”, I shouted, reeling, gaze cast up toward the ceiling.
“I can’t spend my day dealing with this. Work!”, I did implore.
The error message mocked me. From my health plan it had blocked me.
Then the darned thing locked my computer up from any chore.
A spinning ball kept me from even the most mundane chore.
Oh, how I hated 404.To the help line I did hurry, my mind filled full of worry,
I dialed in a hurry, a helpful angel to implore.
Sure enough, a conversation in which I voiced my keen frustration,
“It is an aberration”, she said. “A glitch, we’ve seen before.
You need not fear another, for we’ve seen this thing before.”
Quoth the website, “404”.We spoke an hour longer, but the glitch only grew stronger,
And it seemed she did prolong her excuse-making galore.
I could not hide my ire. What programmers did they hire?
My situation is dire, I explained from on the floor,
(I had grown quite weary talking and had lain down on the floor).
“Get rid of this 404!”She could not explain this cursed glitch I had attained,
They had barely trained her to stray from her typed script score.
Our call then terminated and I felt that I had fainted.
My noble spirit subordinated by Barack Obama’s war,
Against my poor defenseless health plan he had declared bloody war.
His weapon? The 404.“Oh cruel fate”, I shouted! I railed and screamed and pouted.
My frustrations I spouted until I could yell no more.
But nothing I concocted could free me from the locked
State of my computer, blocked from doing anything more.
Healthcare dot gov had undone me. I could do not one thing more.
Quoth the website, “404”.And that beach ball, never dimming, still is spinning, still is spinning,
As I bash my forehead deskward for the fortieth time or more.
And my browser’s locked up tightly like a bank that closes nightly,
And my curses most unsightly make my vocal cords so sore.
And I’ve offered every curse word any sailor thought he’d swore,
I am trapped in 404.
Nov 072013
Random Riddle: 11-7-2013
Riddles
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Nov 072013
| To some I am considered a doctor, and to many, my title is abbreviated. I was also once a soldier who fought for many years. After many battles, I have at last retired and have found other things to do. Who am I? |
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