Amusing

You Might Be A Redneck If

  • You take your dog for a walk, and you both use the same tree.
  • You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
  • Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
  • Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
  • You burn your yard rather than mow it.
  • You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
  • The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
  • Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
  • You offer to give someone the shirt off your back, and they don’t want it.
  • You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
  • You come back from the dump with more than you took.
  • You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
  • Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  • Your grandmother has “Ammo” on her Christmas list.
  • You’ve been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  • You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
  • You’ve bathed with flea and tick soap.
  • You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
  • Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
  • You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
  • You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
  • You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
  • You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
  • You have a rag for a gas cap.
  • Your father executes the “Pull my finger” trick during Christmas dinner.
  • Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
  • You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
  • You can spit without opening your mouth.
  • You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
  • Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
  • You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
  • Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
  • You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
  • You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
  • You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
  • Your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop always brings you home.
  • A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
  • You’ve used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
  • You’ve asked the preacher, “How’s it hangin’?”
  • You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
  • Somebody tells you that you’ve got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
  • You’ve spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
  • You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
  • When someone asks to see your I.D. you show your belt buckle.
  • Your Junior and Senior Proms had a day care.
  • Your mother doesn’t remove the Marlboro Light from her lips before telling the Cops to kiss her a**.
  • You’ve used lard in bed.
  • The primary color of your car is “Bondo.”
  • The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road.”
  • Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
  • Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
  • You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
  • You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
  • Jack Daniel makes your list of “most admired Americans.”
  • Your wife’s hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  • You see no need for a rest stop because there’s an empty milk jug in the car.
  • Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
  • You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side front window of your car.
  • You barbecue Spam.
  • Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
  • Red Man Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
  • You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you were at work.
  • Your dad walks you to school because you’re both in the same grade.
  • Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  • You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
  • You prominently display the souvenir you got at Graceland.
  • When your front porch collapses, three or more dogs die.
  • You’ve signed a petition to change the national anthem to “Nothing Could Be Finer Than to Be in Carolina.”
  • You call the boss “Dude.”
  • You think “Volvo” is part of a woman’s anatomy.
  • You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
  • You’ve been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
  • Your father encouraged you to quit school because Larry had an opening on the lube rack.
  • You need an estimate from the barber before you get a haircut.
  • After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
  • You pass out Styrofoam cups at your wedding reception for people to spit in.

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