Month: May 2011
“.Paraprosdokians
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re frame or reinterpret the first part. Check out the following for examples:
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse always gets the cheese.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of a pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, “In an emergency, notify:” I always put, “DOCTOR.”
I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but always check when you say the paint is wet?
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You definitely need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some darned good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Definitions Of The Obvious
ABDICATE: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
ABSENTEE: A missing golfing accessory.
ACOUSTIC: An instrument used in shooting pool.
ACCRUE: People who work on a ship.
ADAMANT: The very first Insect.
ADORABLE: What you ring when you go visiting.
ALARMS: What an octopus is.
ALIMONY: The High Cost Of Leaving.
ALIMONY: The Fee A Woman Charges For Name-Dropping.
ANTIDOTE: The reason Mom’s Sister keeps hugging you every time she can catch you.
ANTELOPE: Why Grandpa won’t forgive Uncle!
ANTISOCIAL: Mother’s sister being friendly.
ANTE MEREDIEM: Thata’s why he’s my Uncle.
ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work for McDonald’s.
ARCHAEOLOGIST: A man whose career lies in ruins.
ARTERY: Study of paintings.
ASPIRE: Where dead donkeys are cremated.
ATLAS: Finally
AUSTRALIAN KISS: Same as French Kiss, … only down under!
AVAIL: Piece of cloth that stops woman from looking so ugly.
AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do.
BACTERIA: The rear entrance to a cafeteria.
BARIUM: What doctors do when treatment fails.
BIOLOGY: Study of shopping habits.
BIPLANE: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear.
BOYCOTT: His crib…. not hers!
BRIDGE: A game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband’s bidding
BROADBAND: An all girl musical group.
BRUISE LEE: Inept martial-arts student.
BUDGET: An attempt to live below your yearnings.
BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.
CAESAREAN SECTION: District in Rome.
CANTALOUPE: Got to get married in Church.
CARNATION: Country where everybody has a four wheeler.
CARAMEL: A motorized camel!
CAUTERIZE: Made eye contact with her.
CHOOSY BLONDE: One for whom a Tom or a Harry won’t do !
CIRCUMVENT: The opening in the front of boxer shorts.
CISTERN: Opposite of brothern.
CLIMATE: The only thing you can do with a ladder.
COFFEE: A person who is coughed upon.
CIONSIDE: What most people do when it rains.
CONSCIENCE: The thing which hurts when everything else feels good.
CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
COUNTERFEITER: Worker who puts together kitchen cabinets.
CROSS-EYED TEACHER: A teacher that loses control over her pupils.
CROWBAR: Where birds can get a drink.
DAMNATION: Beaver country.
DANCE: Vertical expression of a horizontal idea.
DARE: Not here.
DEBUT: De part of the body you must park to be seated.
DECAGON: De way you explain how your vehicle was a total washout in an accident.
DECAY: De letter which comes after de J.
DECLINE: Nudists in formation.
DENTIST: A magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket.
DEPTH: Height turned upside down.
DILATE: To live long.
DISGUISE: Such pains. Always troubling dismisses.
DINOSAUR: How a giant lizard feels after a tough workout.
DISNEYLAND: A people trap operated by a mouse.
DOGMA: Affectionate parent of the little s.o.b.
DOGMATIC: Run by canine power.
DONKEY: Instrument to get you into the godfather’s house
ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
ECONOMIST: A person who knows more about money than people who have it.
EJACULATE (e-jac-u-late): Jill greeting her boyfriend and informing him he’s been tardy again.
ENEMA: Not a friend.
EYEDROPPER: A clumsy opthalmologist.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
FIBULA: A small lie.
FICTION: The story told by a completed Income Tax Form !
FINITE: Sir Lancelot.
FLATULENCE: The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
FOBIA: The fear of misspelled words.
FORUM: In favor of drinking Bacardi.
GARGOYLE: An olive flavored mouthwash.
GINGER ALE: A drink that feels like your foot when it goes to sleep.
GOLD-DIGGER: A sweet young girl with the gift of the grab!
HABITUATE: Disgusting Mannerisms…. Smoking for example.
HANGING: A suspended sentence.
HATCHET: What a hen does to an egg.
HEROES: What a guy in a canoe does.
HUMBUG: A singing cockroach.
ILLEGAL: A sick bird.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INFANTRY: A sapling.
INFORMATION: How ducks are supposed to fly!
INKLING: A baby fountain pen!
INTENSE: Where campers sleep.
JOKEY: What a dentist uses when you won’t open your mouth.
KIDNEY: Midpoint of a child’s leg.
LEFT BANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
LOCOMOTIVE: A crazy reason.
LYMPH: To walk with a lisp.
MISTY: How golfers create divots.MORBID: Higher offer
MUCUS: A cat swear word.
MUNCHKIN: What cannibals do to relatives.
NITRATE: Cheaper than day rate.
NODE: Was aware of.
OUTPATIENT: Person who has fainted after seeing a Doctor’s bill.
OYSTER: A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
PARADOX: Two physicians.
PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
PARKING LOT: A place where arguments start from scratch.
PECAN: A container to urinate in.
PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
POLARIZE: What penguins see with.
POLYGON: Who left the cage door open?
POST OPERATIVE: Letter carrier.
POTASH: All that’s left after you smoke the joint.
PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
PROTEIN: Favoring young people.
PSYCHO-CERAMICS: The study of crackpots.
RAMPAGE: Section of a book about male sheep.
RATIFY: To use a spell and turn a person into a rodent.
REALM: To be charitable … once again!
REBEL: What you have to do when kids don’t come to class when first called.
RECOUNT: Honorary Title reaffirmed by Floridans.
RECOVERY ROOM: Place to do upholstery.
RECTANGLE: What the fisherman was left with after his brush with Moby Dick.
RECTITUDE: The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
RECTUM: It almost killed him.
REDUCE: A messed up point in Tennis, when you were on ‘Advantage’.
REGATTA: Where the drunkard found himself tonight … again!
RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.
RENDER: The Animals that draw Santa’s carriage.
ROMAN: What you need to do to win the Regatta.RUBBERNECK: What tou can do to relax your wife.
SAUNA BATH: A slimming pool.
SEAMSTRESS: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.
SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
SUBDUED: A guy that works on submarines.
TERMINAL ILLNESS: Sickness at an airport.
TESTICLE: A humorous question on an exam.
TREASON: What the acorn is to the oak.
TUMOR: An extra pair.
URINE: Opposite of “you’re out”!
VARICOSE: Located nearby.
WHOLESOME: The only thing from which you can take the whole and still have some left.
WISE-CRACK: A comedian with a PHD.
YANKEE: The same as a quickie, …but you can do it by yourself!
ZEBRA: Ze cloth which covers ze breasts!
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