You Know You’re a Redneck When…

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Aug 032010
 

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think ‘The Nutcracker’ is a vice on the work bench
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has ‘ammo’ on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean?
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip’ on the
side.
24. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is WalMart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV
26. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Not-So-Well-Known Medical Terminology

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Aug 022010
 

Artery: Study of paintings

Bacteria: Back door of cafeteria

Barium: What doctors do when treatment fails

Cesarean section: District in Rome

Cat scan: Searching for kitty

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her

Coma: A punctuation mark

Congenital: Friendly

D&C: Where Washington is

Diarrhea: Journal of daily events

Dilate: To live long

Enema: Not a friend

Fester: Quicker

Fibula: A small lie

G.I. Series: Soldiers’ ball game

Outpatient: Person who has fainted

Pelvis: Cousin of Elvis

Post operative: Letter carrier

Protein: Favoring young people

Rectum: It almost killed him

Recovery room: Place to do upholstery

Terminal illness: Sickness at the airport

Tibia: Country in North Africa

Urine: Opposite of you’re out

Varicose: Located nearby

Vein: Conceited