Steven Wright is a very dry and laconic American comedian with a surreal sense of humour. Here are some quotes from him.
Enjoy!
1. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
2. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
3. Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
4. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
5. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
6. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… you can’t hear him talk.
7. How young can you die of old age?
8. I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.
9. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.
10. I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.
11. I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.
12. I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!
13. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
14. I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
15. I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.
16. I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
17. I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
18. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
19. I was at this restaurant. The sign said “Breakfast Anytime.” So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
20. I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
21. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
22. I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.
23. I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
24. I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.
25. I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
26. I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.
27. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
28. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
29. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
30. If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
31. If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
32. If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
33. Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
34. There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
35. Tinsel is really snakes’ mirrors.
36. What’s another word for Thesaurus?
37. When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.
38. You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
