SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
CAUSE: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
SOLUTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
CAUSE: Improper bladder control.
SOLUTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
CAUSE: Glass empty.
SOLUTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
CAUSE: You have fallen over backward.
SOLUTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
CAUSE: You have fallen forward.
SOLUTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
CAUSE: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
SOLUTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
CAUSE: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
SOLUTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
CAUSE: You are being carried out.
SOLUTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
CAUSE: Bar has closed.
SOLUTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
CAUSE: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
SOLUTION: Cover mouth.
