How to Insult People Around the World

 Amusing  Comments Off on How to Insult People Around the World
Dec 162008
 

George Bush had two shoes hurled at him by an Iraqi journalist who wanted to make an example of the outgoing President by paying him the highest insult in Baghdad yesterday.

While in Iraq the act of throwing your shoes at someone is a sign of contempt. In other countries there are many weird and wonderful ways to cast an insult to those who you dislike.

Here’s Mirror.co.uk’s guide on how not to make friends around the world.

1. If you are handed a business card in Japan you can cause maximum offence by throwing it down on your desk or stuffing it in your back pocket as the exchange of business card here is meant to be a well thought out practice.

2. In the Philippines a curled beckoning forefinger isn’t used to summon someone over but rather to call them a dog. But the insult is punishable by arrest and even breaking the finger that committed the offense so use with caution.

3. In India and Africa where people use their hands to eat, it is considered an insult to use your left hand as this is thought to be ‘unclean’ and used only for a related function which follows several hours later.

4. In Scandinavia to show distaste keep your chin down during a bottoms-up because it is understood as highly offensive to look down at your feet while drinking a toast.

5. If you blow your nose into a hankerchief in Japan you’ll insult those around you because the Japanese word for snot literally means ‘nose shit’ and the idea of carrying this around all day is thought to be digusting.

6. To insult someone in Korea you simply have to smile because smiling at a stranger is thought to be very rude and a clear indication that you believe them to be stupid.

7. While the thumb and forefinger forming the letter ‘O’ is a western sign for OK in Russia it is understood to be an insult with sexual connotations. This could come in handy if you need to show your unhappiness with the service in a Russian hotel when on holiday.

8. In Buddhist countries the most offensive thing somone can do is pat a person on the head as the head is thought to be the seat of the soul.

9. In Argentina it is considered an insult if you turn up for a dinner date on time because this is thought to be a sign of greed rather than politeness. To keep everyone happy you should turn up a little late but if you want to make a point get their early and tuck-in.

10. In North America you’re sure to cause an uproar if you mistake an American for a Canadian or vice versa as both neighbours are very senstive about this confusion.

Hickbonics

 Amusing  Comments Off on Hickbonics
Dec 152008
 

HICKBONICS The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or Hickbonics,” as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI – (noun) -Greeting.

HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.

Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?”

BARD – (verb) – Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”

Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH – (noun) – The State north of Florida. Capital is Lanner.

Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”

BAMMER – (noun) – The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.

Usage: “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in improvements.”

MUNTS – (noun) – A calendar division.

Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”

THANK – (verb) – Ability to cognitively process.

Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

BARE – (noun) – An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.

Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

IGNERT – (adjective) – Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”

Usage: “Them bammer boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH – (noun) – A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.

Usage: “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – (noun) – A petroleum-based lubricant.

Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR – (noun) – A conflagration.

Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”

TAR – (noun) – A rubber wheel.

Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tarin my pickup truck.”

TIRE – (noun) – A tall monument.

Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

RETARD – (verb) – To stop working.

Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”

FAT – (noun), (verb) – a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.

Usage: “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”

RATS – (noun) – Entitled power or privilege.

Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

FARN – (adjective) – Not domestic.

Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed…must be from some farn country.”

DID – (adjective) – Not alive.

Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR – (noun) – A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.

Usage: “He cain’t breathe…give ‘im some ear!”

BOB WAR – (noun) – A sharp, twisted cable.

Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JEW HERE – (noun) and (verb) contraction.

Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”

HAZE – a contraction.

Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah…haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit’n ‘is laf.”

SEED – (verb) – past tense of “to see”.

VIEW – contraction: (verb) and pronoun.

Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City… view?”

GUBMINT – (noun) – A bureaucratic institution.

Usage: “Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.”

How the Tradition of the Little Angel on Top of the Christmas Tree Started

 Amusing  Comments Off on How the Tradition of the Little Angel on Top of the Christmas Tree Started
Dec 152008
 

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree.