What the Police are Saying

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Sep 242008
 

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

16. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”

15. “Relax , the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

14. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

13. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

12. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

11. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

10. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”

9. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

8. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

7. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”

6. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

5. “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

4. “How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”

3. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

2. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

AND THE WINNER IS….

1. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

How to Start Each Day With a Positive Outlook

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Sep 222008
 

Start each day with a positive outlook

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it ‘Barack Obama’.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: ‘Do you really want to get rid of ‘Barack Obama?’
6. Firmly Click ‘Yes.’
7. Feel better?

GOOD! – Tomorrow we’ll do Nancy Pelosi!

The Secret Behind Number Eleven

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Sep 222008
 

THE SECRET BEHIND THE NUMBER 11
Read it all!

1) New York City has 11 letters
2) Afghanistan has 11 letters.
3) Ramsin Yuseb has 11 letters . (The terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin Towers in 1993)
4) George W Bush has 11 letters.

This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets more interesting:
1) New York is the 11th state.
2) The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number 11.
3) Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11
4) Flight 77 which also hit Twin Towers , was carrying 65 passengers. 6+5 = 11
5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11 as it is now known. 9 + 1+ 1 =11
6) The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number 911.

9 + 1 + 1 = 11

Sheer coincidence..?! Read on and make up your own mind:
1) The total number of victims inside all the h i-jacked planes was 254.

2 + 5 + 4 = 11.

2) September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year.

Again 2 + 5 + 4 = 11..

3) The Madrid bombing took place on 3/11/2004. 3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 4 = 11.
4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers incident.

Now this is where things get totally eerie:

The most recognized symbol for the US , after the Stars & Stripes, is the
Eagle. The following verse is taken from the Quran, the Islamic holy book:

‘For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The
wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah while some
of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for the wrath of the
Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace.’

That verse is number 9.11 of the Quran.
Unconvinced about all of this still?

Try this and see how you feel afterwards, it made my hair stand on end:

Open Microsoft Word and do the following:
1. Type in capitals Q33 NY. This is the flight number of the first plane to
hit one of the Twin Towers ..
2. Highlight the Q33 NY.
3. Change the font size to 48.
4. Change the actual font to the WINGDINGS 1

What do you think now?!!
Q33 NY

This is the result

Older Job Applicant

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Sep 212008
 

Below is an actual job application that this 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in California . They hired him because he was funny…..


NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be
applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more
intimate environment .

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be
here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be
‘Do you have a car that runs?’

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they
tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FI VE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde
supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually,
I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

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