Because I am not happy with any of our current choices for the next President of our great country, I would like to announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America. Of course I will have to be a write in candidate but I promise if you vote for me, you won’t be disappointed. I mean what I say and do what I mean! In fact this will be my first televised speech the day after I am elected.
My fellow Americans
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq’s regime has been completed. The discovery and destruction of all weapons of mass destruction have been covered thoroughly in the press. A new Iraqi government has been established and appears to be stable.
Our mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.
It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Bulgaria, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world’s nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the out years, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.
I am ordering the immediate withdrawal of all US forces from Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, and all other Middle Eastern nations. Leave us alone. Solve your own damn problems. Need help? Call Germany.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations; screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your relatives from the face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutless country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
Regarding the nation of Israel, I have this to say. It seems like everybody has forgotten what happened to European Jews during the 1930s and World War II. Our nation will never permit the destruction of Israel in no way PERIOD.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don’t give a damn about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your tickets tomorrow or watch as your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos are turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors; Canada is on List 2. Since we are going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2 its president and his entire corrupt government really needs an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousand tanks and infantry divisions sitting around so guess where I am going to put them? Yep, border security. Oh, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty – starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we’ll be drilling for oil in Alaska- which will take care of this country’s oil needs for decades to come. If you’re an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, ‘tuff shit.’
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger and homelessness in America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought; thank you guys. We owe you and we won’t forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.
GOD BLESS AMERICA … Thank you and good night.’
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier. And remember, in November write my name on the ballot, Gags at Evaluation, so that I can turn this country around.
It is time for change… real change.
