CLASSIFIED F.C.E.O. For Catholic Eyes Only
This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to
non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code
words, the better off they are.
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to
lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than
that of the congregation’s range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more
quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges
with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original ‘Jaws’ story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize
besides gyros and baklava. (For you non-Catholics it means Lord have
mercy.)
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by
an HMO. (The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always
been rough.)
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass
consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners
looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually
know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David
Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating
capacity of a pew.
