Hillary Clinton And The Cowboy

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Feb 052008
 

Senator Hillary Clinton, on an airliner bound for Texas, finds herself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans, and a cowboy hat. Thinking herself above the old cowboy, she decides to make sport of him.

“You know,” she says, “I’ve heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let’s talk.”

The cowboy looks at her wryly and says, “Well I s’pose that’d be all right, m’am. What’d ya like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” says Hillary with a slight hint of sarcasm. “How about Iraq?”

“Hmm,” says the cowboy, sensing an attempt to perhaps belittle him, “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first? Horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff–grass. Yet a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”

Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“So tell me, then,” says the cowboy with a smile. “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss Iraq when you don’t know shit?”

Political Correctness

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Feb 052008
 

Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.

Questions That Keep Me Up At Night

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Feb 052008
 

Questions That Keep Me Up At Night

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

 

 

Food Network Cooking Up New Magazine

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Feb 042008
 


Hearst Cooking Up Magazine for Food Network

What’s in the oven at Hearst? In recent weeks, the magazine giant has been staffing up for a secret development project, picking off editors from the Reader’s Digest-owned Every Day with Rachael Ray. But for what?

According to a well-placed source, the project in question is a new food magazine to be published in partnership with the Food Network. Like previous TV-to-print adaptations Hearst has housed — ESPN The Magazine, O, The Oprah Magazine and the ill-fated Lifetime — the title would carry the Food Network’s brand and be published as a joint venture, in this case between Hearst and Scripps, which owns the channel.

Asked about that, a Hearst spokeswoman said, “I can tell you that we are at a very early development stage on a concept in consultation with The Food Network. Any speculation about specifics at this point would be premature.”

Will this one be a hit like O or a bust like Lifetime? The source, noting that Hearst is not the first publisher Scripps approached with the idea, predicts the latter. The problem is that the network’s personalities aren’t an automatic part of the package. And of course Ray, possibly the network’s biggest star, has her own magazine, as does Paula Deen. “All you really get is the logo,” says the source.

Hillary Clinton Promises to Garnish The Wages Of Working Americans Who Refuse To Buy Health Insurance

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Feb 042008
 

Hillary Clinton promises that her health plan will be universal even if she has to automatically enroll anyone reluctant to participate and garnish their wages to pay for it.

Does that sound like a free America to you?

Clinton health plan may mean tapping pay


Democrat Hillary Rodham Clinton said Sunday she might be willing to garnish the wages of workers who refuse to buy health insurance to achieve coverage for all Americans.

The New York senator has criticized presidential rival Barack Obama for pushing a health plan that would not require universal coverage. Clinton has not always specified the enforcement measures she would embrace, but when pressed on ABC’s “This Week,” she said: “I think there are a number of mechanisms” that are possible, including “going after people’s wages, automatic enrollment.”

Clinton said such measures would apply only to workers who can afford health coverage but refuse to buy it, which puts undue pressure on hospitals and emergency rooms. With her proposals for subsidies, she said, “it will be affordable for everyone.”

Clinton also suggested that Obama would be more susceptible to Republican attack ads in a general election because he has not been scrutinized for years as she has.

“I’ve been through the Republican attacks over and over again,” she said. When Obama was elected to the Senate from Illinois in 2004, she said, he “didn’t face anyone who ran attack ads” comparable to those aimed at her.

The presidential contenders in both parties campaigned all-out on Sunday, two days before the Super Tuesday voting in 24 states holding primaries or caucuses.

Clinton was campaigning in Missouri and Minneapolis. Obama scheduled a rally in Wilmington, Del., while some of his highest-profile surrogates — his wife, Michelle, Oprah Winfrey and Caroline Kennedy — were rallying voters in Los Angeles. Among Republicans, Arizona Sen. John McCain was stumping in Connecticut and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney scheduled stops in Glen Ellyn, Ill., and the St. Louis suburb of Maryland Heights. Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee was concentrating on the South, with appearances in Georgia and Tennessee.

McCain told “Fox News Sunday” he would veto any tax increase passed by a Democratic-controlled Congress. McCain, who opposed President Bush’s first two tax cuts, now says Congress should make the reductions permanent, and that there also should be further tax reductions for business investments.

His chief rival, Romney, told the ABC program that McCain “doesn’t understand the economy” and that his advocacy of a higher gasoline tax to combat global warming would hurt U.S. consumers.

Romney also called on Huckabee to drop from the race. In response, called the suggestion “ludicrous,” noting that only a fraction of the delegates needed to win the Republican presidential nomination had been apportioned thus far.

“I’ve got a different take on that. I think it’s time for Mitt Romney to step aside,” Huckabee said on CNN.