It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress
Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Lubarsky’s Law of Cybergenic Entomology: There’s always one more bug.
Paul’s Law: You can’t fall off the floor.
Heller’s Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
First law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it’s always uphill and against the wind.
Osborne’s Law: Variables won’t; constants aren’t.
Weinberg’s Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.
Hartly’s First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you’ve got something.
Dentist: A prestidigitator who, putting metal in one’s mouth, pulls coins from one’s pockets. -Ambrose Pierce
Someone ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
You don’t have to think too hard while talking to teachers. – J.D. Salinger
If bankers can count, why do they have eight windows and only four tellers?
Those who can’t write, write manuals.
Never call a man a fool. Borrowws from him.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
“He was so narrow-minded, he could see through a keyhole with both eyes…”
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You’ll learn a lot today.
Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It’s easy to critisize, but if everyone hated you, ytou’d be paranoid, too.
I’d give my right arm to be ambidexterous.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Main’s Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
If you don’t care where you are, then you aren’t lost.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
About the time we make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Beware of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
Stealing a rhinocerous should not be attempted lightly.
All I ask for is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
Armadillo: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone else, or forbid your kids to do it.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Serving coffee on an airplane causes turbulence.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Frisbeetarianism: the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
When you’re in it uop to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
I really hate this damned machine/I wish that they would sell it/It never does quite what I want/But only what I tell it
Worst Vegetable of the Year: the brussle sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.
Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage
Drive defensively: Buy a tank.
Anything is good if it’s made of chocolate.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn
Moderation is for monks.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
How long a minute is depend on which side of the bathroom door you’re on.
Life is like a dog-sled team… If you ain’t the lead dog, the scene never changes.
If there’s artificial intelligence, there’s bound to be some artificial stupidity.
