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“Honey,” says a husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.” “
What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess. I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!!” “I know all that.” “Then why did you invite a friend for supper?” “Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.” |
An elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.
The preacher faces the camera, and announces, “My friends, I’d like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you.”
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.
With a frown his wife says, “Ernest, he’s talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.”
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A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears and was quite impressed by his sensitive side. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, ‘Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’ She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips and he responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, ‘Well, how was it?’ The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: ‘Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf’ |
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Three men died and stood in front of God. God asked the first man if he had been faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.
The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a mid-sized car. The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car. A week later, the three guys met in a parking lot in heaven. The man driving the luxury car began to cry. “What’s the matter?” the other two men asked. He replied, “I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!” |